Oh, I should stop doing push-ups at work?
A reply to HR.
Well, it appears my daily routine grabbed the attention of my colleagues. Rather than complain to my face, they went behind my impeccably chiseled back. Can’t say I blame them. I mean, look at me. Would you want to confront this?
To the wonderful people of human resources at [redacted], rest assured that I have received your message loud and clear. My daily habit of crushing hundreds of perfect push-ups is apparently bad for office morale. The specific reason for the complaint is, as you so delicately put it, “Luke grunts louder than the pigs at Monica Seles’s free-range ranch.”
A. I looked into it, and I’m almost certain Monica Seles does not own a ranch.
B. Stop being so mean.
C. I can’t say I’m thrilled by the prospect of working with an HR department that has a sense of humor. Knock it off.
Hang on. My alarm just sounded. Gonna crank out a quick set. BRB.
WOO! Feelin’ good. Where was I?
Okay, it appears I was rambling a bit. Sorry about that. The point of this letter is simple: I am not going to stop doing push-ups at work.
5 reasons I will never stop doing push-ups at work
1. Do you see my arms right now
Look at them. I’m not flexing. This is just how they are.
2. I do not want to die
I googled “does sitting kill you” and got 5.2 million results. Then I go0gled “do push ups kill you” and got 4.8 million results. The latter number is, admittedly, completely horrifying. Nevertheless: Push-ups are slightly less deadly than sitting.
3. I like a challenge
Know what’s easy? Typing. Know what’s not easy? Typing with a fresh crop of lactic acid coursing through your arms.
4. It saves time
A gym membership? Pffffff. Don’t need it. Push-ups and squatties are all this body needs. That means while you’re at spin class, ol’ Lukey Boy (please don’t call me that) pursues his true passion: knitting and reality TV.
5. It prevents injury
Remember when [redacted] from IT tore his rotator cuff during an intense stretch & yawn sesh? Know what would have prevented that? DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER.
I have an idea. Rather than one man stopping his push-up regimen, let’s have everyone else begin it. Employee health is more important to companies than ever before. Together, we can—
Whoops, there’s my alarm again. Gotta go.
