Aziz Ansari Might Not Be Guilty. But He Is To Blame.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Backstory
Three days ago, babe.net published a story about a night a 22-year-old named Grace had with Aziz Ansari.
A couple days later, Bari Weiss of the New York Times wrote an opinion piece.
I urge you to read both pieces if you somehow haven’t already. I will assume that by reading further, you’re already familiar with each.
It seems that a majority of Internet sleuths are rushing to Ansari’s defense, pointing out that Grace pursued Aziz. She consented to performing oral sex on him. She is a groupie who started hooking up with a celebrity who turned out to be rather awkward. Those first two points appear to be correct, and that third is a bit of a leap.
But read the babe story again, and try to ignore the way it sensationalizes the story for pageviews. Look at what Grace herself says about what she said and did. Things like:
- “I said something like, ‘Whoa, let’s relax for a sec, let’s chill.’”
- “It was 30 minutes of me getting up and moving and him following and sticking his fingers down my throat again.”
- “I stopped moving my lips and turned cold.”
- “I know I was physically giving off cues that I wasn’t interested. I don’t think that was noticed at all, or if it was, it was ignored.”
Now ask yourself:
Do you believe Grace?
I do.
She pursued Aziz Ansari, she consented to oral sex, she didn’t flat-out say “NO.” All of this is true. This means Aziz Ansari is probably not guilty of sexual assault, and (breathe a deep sigh of relief, Internet) we will probably get Season 3 of Master of None.
However, Aziz is absolutely, 100% to blame for the pain he caused Grace because of this sexual encounter. He had multiple opportunities to cancel his rocket’s launch sequence and shut things down for the night. He did not.
1st opportunity: “I said something like, ‘Whoa, let’s relax for a sec, let’s chill.’”
Grace said this after Aziz grabbed a condom minutes after they got to his apartment. He probably took her words to mean “Okay, sex is off the table, but all other stuff is fair game.” To be fair to Aziz, this would be a normal conclusion to jump to. It would also explain why he immediately moved to oral sex after that. Interesting way to respond after hearing “let’s chill,” but hey. Different strokes for different folks.
2nd opportunity: “It was 30 minutes of me getting up and moving and him following and sticking his fingers down my throat again.”
On the off chance that Aziz reads this: DUDE. What on earth is this move? Have you met a single person who enjoyed it? Knock it off.
3rd opportunity: “I stopped moving my lips and turned cold.”
This, right here, is the absolute moment Aziz should have stepped outside himself and shut things down. Everyone is now poking fun at the phrase “nonverbal cues,” but this action by Grace is an indisputable sign that SHE IS NOT INTO THIS. Nonverbal cues like these are real, and they’re easy to spot.
Let me be clear. Recognizing this moment when it happens and having the willpower to actually cancel your hookup plans are two different things. It’s incredibly difficult to pump the brakes and calm yourself down. But it’s the responsibility of the person who has the power in the relationship to wield that power with wisdom.
Parents, talk to your sons about recognizing these moments. Remind them constantly that it’s a man’s duty, not a woman’s, to recognize when she’s not into it and to cancel whatever fun sexy plans he might have had. Remind him how important it is to observe, to be caring, to step outside himself and think of others. Remind him that ejaculation does not make him a man. Honor makes him a man.
A letter to Aziz Ansari and any other guy planning on having sex in the near future:
Dear penis owner,
Congratulations on your probable chance of sexual intercourse. What an exciting thing. But before the moment is right and you’re ready to do your thing, please do read these few simple reminders.
- She is not you. I know you want to rip each other’s clothes off immediately (and perhaps you will) but it’s more likely that she’d rather connect with you first. This means doing things like being genuinely curious about who she is, possibly while maintaining eye contact, or while giving her a back rub or a foot massage. UGH. Talking, am I right? But I promise that the eventual physical connection the two of you share will be much more enjoyable for both of you.
- When you sense she’s not into it, shut things down for the night. It’s easy to recognize and not easy to do. Do it anyway. You have the power, and thus, you have the responsibility.
- If you feel compelled to shove your fingers down her throat, maybe don’t do that. You awkward, idiot teenager.
