DEAR PEOPLE WHO DRINK LA CROIX

Did you know water is a thing?

Hi. I have many questions.

What’s your favorite flavor?

Why did you start drinking it?

Did you know water exists?

What three words spring to mind when you think about your beloved La Croix?

I have a friend who said, “Lacroix is life and we actually pay extra to have Amazon ship it internationally bc without Lacroix there is no life.” Do you agree with this person?

Have you tried water before?

What La Croix flavor would you like to see in the future?

I have another friend who challenged me to a joust when he learned about my stance on La Croix. Not an American Gladiators joust, but A Knight’s Tale joust. Do you know where I can find a stable that will accommodate this ridiculous challenge?

Can you describe, in painstaking detail, how water irrevocably hurt you in the past?

How on earth do you pronounce it? Is it La Croy or La Kwah? I have another friend who said, “I read somewhere that it’s named La Croix because it rhymes with “enjoy.” And I do. I enjoy it.” Does it rhyme with enjoy?

I just realized I’ll also need a blacksmith to outfit me for the joust. Do blacksmiths still exist? Can you recommend one?

Did you know over half of your body is made of water? No, that water is not carbonated. But you’re sure doing your best to change that, aren’t you?

I have another friend who said La Croix is “garbage bubble water.” Can you describe what you would do to this person if you had a hammer and 10 minutes alone with him?

I just realized I don’t know how to joust. Or ride a horse. Do you know where I can learn to joust and also ride a horse?

Did you know, on our planet, water is abundantly salted and undrinkable, but it is in fact possible to obtain drinkable and delicious water?

I have another friend who posted the photo below as evidence that La Croix is wonderful. His caption was, “No further discussion required.”

ACTUALLY, FURTHER DISCUSSION IS INDEED REQUIRED, GUY. What am I looking at here? Because it sure looks like someone loves this can of La Croix so much that they whisked it on a romantic weekend getaway.

Can you explain the average La Croix drinker’s terrifying devotion to and defense of the brand? For example, right now it feels as if I have insulted your perfect little baby named La Croix (terrible name for a baby, btw) and you are filled with intense and blinding Mama Bear rage. Why?

Is it possible that, deep down, you know you should switch to water, but you can’t? Does the brand have its hooks in you? Are you being held against your will? I care about you. It doesn’t have to be this way. Water is life. It’s all around us. It is calling out to you and yearning for you.

The joust is starting. Can you hang on a second?


This seems like a lot of blood. Am I dying?

This isn’t so bad. I feel nothing. I don’t mean that in a bad way. It feels like…peace. Like the things I used to be concerned about don’t matter anymore. Does that make any sense? I can’t believe I was so consumed by sparkling water. What a trivial and insignificant thing.


Guys, you’ll never believe this. They have La Croix here. I just spotted Heath Ledger, and he’s drinking it. Should I say something?

I’m gonna say something.

Heath Ledger just challenged me to a joust.

SHIT.

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