DEAR PEOPLE WHO LOVE CANDY CORN
What’s it like having flat-out broken taste buds?
Published in
2 min readOct 9, 2017
It’s October, our beautiful weather is going away, and now it’s time to do what I do best: whine about it on Medium. Enjoy this list and take solace in the fact that you and I will never understand each other.
5 QUESTIONS FOR PEOPLE WHO LOVE CANDY CORN
You fascinate me. Please answer these questions.
- What’s it like having flat-out broken taste buds?
- Eating candy corn is like biting a mealy apple made of 100% corn syrup. Can you please describe why you love that texture of sadness?
- How do you feel when you see a bowl of candy corn at the office that’s been sitting in a bowl for over a week, neglected and unloved?
- Why do you eat candy corn that’s been sitting in a bowl for over a week?
- WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU LIKE THIS?
50 THINGS PEOPLE WHO LOVE CANDY CORN PROBABLY LOVE
- Creamed corn
- Deli mustard
- Mellowcreme pumpkins
- The word “mellowcreme”
- Medium’s old green logo
- Soft apples
- Crunchy pears
- Ads that play in the middle of YouTube videos
- Articles on crushing your a.m. routine
- Double spacing after a period
- Over-ripe bananas
- Under-ripe bananas
- Those little banana strings that cling on after you peel it
- Using the word “sumptuous” to describe food
- Telling people to watch The Wire
- Watching Sons of Anarchy
- Not watching Breaking Bad
- Mint chocolate chip
- Bit-O-Honey
- Circus Peanuts
- The Family Circus
- The actual circus
- Tweeting about the local weather
- Wearing rain boots when it’s sunny
- Ambrosia
- Their cousins, like too much
- Telling people what ambrosia is
- Loose leaf paper
- Wide ruled paper
- Watching workout videos instead of exercising
- UB40
- More than 4 pants pockets
- Flavored marshmallows (why, honestly, why)
- Flavored Triscuits
- Plain Triscuits with no topping whatsoever
- Watching Schindler’s List again
- Only watching Almost Famous once
- Oatmeal raisin cookies
- Joyously choosing fruit as a dessert
- Black licorice
- Screw it. All licorice.
- Yelling at people who don’t share their stance on the Oxford comma
- Reading YouTube comments
- IPAs
- Telling people what IPA stands for
- Tootle by Gertrude Crampton
- Flossing
- Kraft Singles
- Sniffing the Kraft Singles wrapper
- Rubbing the wrapper from Kraft Singles between your fingers and whispering “mmmmm yeah baby that’s so good”
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CONTRIBUTOR SHOUTOUT
Big thanks to Devon Henry, jdot, Justine Bronson, Stella J. McKenna, Jessica Jungton, Kayt Molina and Ernio Hernandez for co-authoring the list. Follow all of them.
