DEAR PEOPLE WHO LOVE HOT DOGS

And In-N-Out and jelly doughnuts and…

Luke Trayser
Jul 20, 2017 · 3 min read
Photo by Evan Kirby on Unsplash

I hope you enjoyed National Hot Dog day and you managed not to hurl during the aftermath. What you’re about to read will seem like satire. I assure you it is not. These six beloved food items are actually the worst.

1. Hot Dogs

On National Hot Dog Day, I reminded my Facebook friends that hot dogs are terrible and they need to stop eating them. Here are some of the responses I got and my responses.

  • “Move out of Chicagoland.” No.
  • “Chili Dogs for President!” Have you ever had a chili dog without the hot dog? *kisses fingers*
  • “But is a hot dog a sandwich?” The bread is connected. A hot dog is a pita. Thanks.

The only acceptable time to eat a hot dog is if Mommy cut them into half-moons for you. Knock it off.

What to eat instead:
Grilled meat that’s actually good. Brats. Italian Sausages. Burgers. But not from…

2. In-N-Out

Everyone loves their first In-N-Out trip. I know I did. It’s a pilgrimage people outside the Southwest United States are thrilled to take. We gleefully Instagram our order with the caption “totally requested Animal Style because I AM IN ON THE SECRET LMAO.” We stuff ourselves. It’s a great experience.

Then we go a second time. We don’t take a picture of the food. It’s just okay. The fries are way too thin.

Then we go a third time. Animal Style is gross.

Then we google “Five Guys locations.”

What to eat instead:
Five Guys. Rhymes with “bag fries,” the most beautiful American innovation in the past half-century. Delectable burgers, thick-cut fries that are generously scooped, and some better-than-usual music playlists. Give them your business again soon. Support your local Five Guys and piss off your heart.

3. La Croix

After I published that La Croix rant, my employer blindfolded us, made us drink La Croix, and filmed our reactions. Cool.

What to drink instead:
Water. It’s simple and healthy and knows not to destroy your teeth on the way down.

4. Crunchy Cookies

What to eat instead:
Soft and gooey cookies fresh from the oven. My wife’s chocolate chip cookies use more brown sugar and less regular sugar than the recipe calls for. I have no idea why, but this elevates them. Try it.

5. Gooey Brownies

What to eat instead:
Firm and cool brownies. Preferably a corner piece. The perfect amount of give and crunch. Get in my mouth.

6. Jelly Doughnuts

  1. Donuts: Use when consuming donuts that have a hole in the middle.
  2. Doughnuts: Use when consuming jelly doughnuts. Why? Because it’s a donut filled with UGH in the middle.

What to eat instead:
Donuts.


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Words for Life

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Luke Trayser

Written by

ACD and copy guy at Ivor Andrew. Freelance copywriting mercenary. Not my real hair. Get in touch on Twitter or email ltrayser at gmail.

Words for Life

20% inspirational, 80% not.

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