DEAR PEOPLE WHO LOVE HOT DOGS
And In-N-Out and jelly doughnuts and…
I hope you enjoyed National Hot Dog day and you managed not to hurl during the aftermath. What you’re about to read will seem like satire. I assure you it is not. These six beloved food items are actually the worst.
1. Hot Dogs
A rubbery choking hazard that only tastes good if you drown it with other ingredients. If you manage to swallow a hot dog without incident, it tries to kill you the old fashioned way: with sodium.
On National Hot Dog Day, I reminded my Facebook friends that hot dogs are terrible and they need to stop eating them. Here are some of the responses I got and my responses.
- “Move out of Chicagoland.” No.
- “Chili Dogs for President!” Have you ever had a chili dog without the hot dog? *kisses fingers*
- “But is a hot dog a sandwich?” The bread is connected. A hot dog is a pita. Thanks.
The only acceptable time to eat a hot dog is if Mommy cut them into half-moons for you. Knock it off.
What to eat instead:
Grilled meat that’s actually good. Brats. Italian Sausages. Burgers. But not from…
2. In-N-Out
Ah, In-N-Out. Slightly-better-than-McDonald’s food that hides behind its (admittedly genius) hesitant national expansion and secret menu.
Everyone loves their first In-N-Out trip. I know I did. It’s a pilgrimage people outside the Southwest United States are thrilled to take. We gleefully Instagram our order with the caption “totally requested Animal Style because I AM IN ON THE SECRET LMAO.” We stuff ourselves. It’s a great experience.
Then we go a second time. We don’t take a picture of the food. It’s just okay. The fries are way too thin.
Then we go a third time. Animal Style is gross.
Then we google “Five Guys locations.”
What to eat instead:
Five Guys. Rhymes with “bag fries,” the most beautiful American innovation in the past half-century. Delectable burgers, thick-cut fries that are generously scooped, and some better-than-usual music playlists. Give them your business again soon. Support your local Five Guys and piss off your heart.
3. La Croix
I have thoughts on this.
After I published that La Croix rant, my employer blindfolded us, made us drink La Croix, and filmed our reactions. Cool.
What to drink instead:
Water. It’s simple and healthy and knows not to destroy your teeth on the way down.
4. Crunchy Cookies
No.
What to eat instead:
Soft and gooey cookies fresh from the oven. My wife’s chocolate chip cookies use more brown sugar and less regular sugar than the recipe calls for. I have no idea why, but this elevates them. Try it.
5. Gooey Brownies
A hot milkshake that gets under your fingernails. FUN.
What to eat instead:
Firm and cool brownies. Preferably a corner piece. The perfect amount of give and crunch. Get in my mouth.
6. Jelly Doughnuts
Write this down: There are two ways to spell donuts. The proper usage depends on what you have in front of you.
- Donuts: Use when consuming donuts that have a hole in the middle.
- Doughnuts: Use when consuming jelly doughnuts. Why? Because it’s a donut filled with UGH in the middle.
What to eat instead:
Donuts.
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