Hey. Please Tell Me Your Nightmare Name.
Remember your porn star name? This is so much worse.
When I was a gangly lad whose voice cracked like a sidewalk, my friends and I had some giggles when we first generated our porn star names. We took our middle names and the streets we grew up on, and presto. My name was Norman Kennsington. Some of my friends were Grant Stockton, James Waterford, and the obvious winner, Stephen Shadowood. Many lulz.
But the porn star name is juvenile, stale, and a little too self-congratulatory. I want a name game that blasts its participants with a ton of laughter and a little queasiness. A name that makes them look bad, not good. A name that is the stuff of nightmares.
How To Create Your Nightmare Name
A little while back, I asked my Facebook brothers and sisters the following question:
If a law were made that you had to legally change your first name to your most hated word and your last name to your biggest fear, what would your name be? Hi, my name is Discharge Spiders. Pleasure.
I got some amazing responses, including the following 25:
- Literally Sharks
- Moist Needles
- Phlegm Candy Corn
- Irregardless Deep Water
- Diaper Shart
- Whatever Cymbal Monkey
- Men Buried Alive
- Panty Small Spaces
- On My Person Sharks
- Ping Me Snakes
- I’m Not Gonna Lie Spiders
- Refresh Freefall
- Yuge Time Never Stops
- Harambe Bees
- Custard Suffocation
- Tits Heights
- Pus Clowns
- Damp Rats
- Musty Due Date
- Scrumptious No One Likes Me
- Gender Eaten By Wolves While Hunting Alone
- Cluster Death
- Feet Surprises
- Larvae Diarrhea Hurricane
- Squirted Not Enough Money For Retirement
Key Takeaways
- All of these would also make great band names.
- Moist was easily the most popular first name, followed by Pus and Literally.
- You need to pose this question to your friends. It’s great fun and they’ll hate you forever.
So, pray tell: what’s your Nightmare Name? I eagerly await your response.
