Holiday Guide to Getting Uninvited
The temperature is dropping, a crisp dusting of fresh-fallen snow covers the trees, and…wait! Is that a crackling fire I hear? You know what this means. The holidays are coming, and so are family holiday parties. If you’re already planning your escape from Handsy Uncle Hank and dreaming of spending the days hidden under a blanket streaming A Very Brady Christmas, look no further. I’ve got your guide to getting uninvited.
Note: This guide is intended only for those who are truly at their wits’ end with family parties. Be prepared to become the source of family ridicule and gossip if you employ these tactics. Happy alienating!
The Coat Hanger Hang-up
Upon arrival to your host’s home, be sure to remove your coat. When the host offers to hang your coat and other personal items for you, refuse. Instead, locate a nicely-set dining table or sideboard and place your belongings there. Every twenty minutes or so, ask people if they’ve seen your stuff because you just can’t seem to find it.
The Sidedish Sidestep
In the days/weeks leading up to the family gathering, offer to bring a dish for the group. Make sure it’s at least semi-integral to the success of the outing (I’ll bring dressing for the salads!) and confirm with your host at least twice. The day of the party, you should under NO circumstances show up with your designated dish. Either bring something completely different or nothing at all. Pretend like you have no idea what the problem is.
The Furniture Free-for-all
This step requires a bit of recon, so grab a drink and walk the party for a few minutes. Feel out where intimate conversations are happening, where there are larger groups, kids, etc. Choose a spot on or near the largest piece of furniture you can find, and proceed to jump into a conversation several feet away from you. When it becomes clear that you can’t successfully communicate from your current distance, ask other party-goers to help you move the large piece of furniture from its place to better accommodate your needs. Don’t take no for an answer and try your best to make sure the new location disrupts the natural flow of party traffic. For a more subtle approach to this step, try moving small decorative items around the home, re-angling picture frames, and blowing out lit candles.
The Cleanup Conundrum
This is a two-part strategy that can be performed separately or in its entirety. As the meal gets going, take note of the leisurely holiday pace. There’s chatting, second helpings, and third pours of wine. Grandpa might take a moment to loosen his belt. When it’s clear that guests are enjoying their food and might want second helpings, jump up and start clearing places. You may get a few plate-grabbers, but stay true to the mission. Make sure your host is fully aware of you as you head to the sink. You can stop there by dumping all the dishes in/next to the sink, or you can pick up part two of this task by “washing” the dishes. Use only cold water, no soap/sponge/scrubber. Soap is optional! Do not dry the dishes. Put them away wet and at random.
Pass the Passive-Aggression
Throughout the evening, try to sprinkle as many passive-aggressive comments into conversation as you can. A few samples to get you started:
On fashion:
“Boy, that sweater is cuuuute! Lots of room for second helpings, huh?”
After looking the host up and down:“I didn’t realize we were dressing casually this year! I would have dressed down a bit.”
“I wish I had the courage to wear something bold like that!”
On home decoration:
“Great table! Is it second-hand?”
“These fixtures must be original. I can tell they’ve been well loved!”
“Gosh, this silver is almost as pretty as mine!”
General commentary:
“Looks like you have your hands full!” (Don’t offer to help. Walk away.)
(As a guest takes a bite of food) “Eat up! Holiday calories don’t count, amiright?! But you already know that!” *wink*
As you leave the gathering, take a deep breath and savor the moment. You’re probably already removed from the family group text. Well done.
