How to name a human
A guide, pep talk and shocking twist
I get paid in USDs as a copywriter (not what you think) for a creative branding agency.
We do a lot of stuff for companies, but a couple times a month, our writing team becomes a 9-headed monster and tackles a fascinating assignment: The Naming Project. When I tell people about this aspect of my job, they furrow their brow so hard that they temporarily blind themselves.
“Hang on. Companies rely on you to name something they created?”
“Yes.”
“What a waste of money! Why wouldn’t they just name it themselves? They created it! YOUR TEAM KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT IT.”
“I have an exercise for you. Let’s say your coffee shop is doing well and you’re ready to expand. You’ve also realized the name of your shop is too local. You have aspirations, and you need a name that will compete with Dunkin’ and Starbucks. Got it? Great. Now: Name your coffee shop.”
Cue the crickets.
The truth is, naming a thing you love is hard. It might be a company. It might be a product. It might be a baby. Regardless, there’s a lot of pressure on you to get this thing right. You don’t want to create an unnecessary uphill battle. Here’s how to not completely blow it.
1
Procure a baby.
There are multiple totally legal ways to obtain a wrinkly and cranky new human. Some ways are really fun! Some are not as fun. Whichever path you choose, do not skip this step.
2
Make a list. A massive list. Keep going.
This is the brainstorming phase. On your own — away from your partner — write down every name you don’t instantly hate. Then, combine the two lists and go over them together. Make cuts. Identify the keepers and be willing to let favorites go if they’re not landing.
This process is usually more cordial and less funny than that one Friends episode. If you have the right mindset, it can even be pretty fun to narrow your list down.
3
Don’t decide right away. Be exhaustive with your finalists.
Say the name out loud. Now yell it. Say it in baby talk. Whisper it. Think it. Say it over and over again. Have sample conversations.
“This is my son, Skyscraper.”
Does the name feel good to say? Can you picture your baby’s face when you say the name? If the answer to these questions is yes, you have a serious contender.
4
For crying out loud, NEVER tell people the name beforehand.
You’ve come to a decision. You have your name. Now shut your idiot mouth about it until that thing flies into this world screaming, confused and oddly purple. If you tell people beforehand, you will always be let down by their reaction. This will sway your decision, and your child deserves better.
5
Pep talk for the parents who chose a popular baby name.
Kudos to you guys. You chose a name that’s easy to say and hear. It’s current and it’s beautiful. You made an excellent decision.
If you chose an ultra-popular boy name, your son’s last name might become his first name when he’s with his friends. I have umpteen great friends named Matthew. I call none of them Matthew or Matt.
If you chose an ultra-popular girl name, your daughter’s friends might give her name some variance to help her stand out. I married a Jessica. She was (and is) referred to as Jess. She had two thick-as-thieves friends with the same name growing up. They were known as Jessica and Jessie.
The lesson: Be proud of the name you chose. Just be aware that you can’t control how it will evolve over time.
6
Pep talk for the parents who chose a unique baby name.
Kudos to you guys. You welcomed your one-of-a-kind bundle of joy into the world with a name to match. Maybe it’s an alternate spelling of a popular name. Maybe it’s something brand new. Either way, you made an excellent decision.
It is essential that you truly love the name. Your child will pick up on your genuine love of it and grow to feel similarly about it. And that’s a wonderful thing.
The lesson: Be proud of the name you chose. Just be aware that you’re going to be asked about it. A lot. Try to welcome the curiosity and answer patiently no matter how many times you’ve done it before.
I’m almost done here. I hope you’ve found at least one little nugget to take with you as you raise your little nugget.
But before I close this out, there’s one last tidbit:
7
I will send you baby names.
You seem cool, so this is on the house. If you want in, I’ll get to know you and what’s important to you, then hit you with a list of finalists and alternates. You can then use the names as a resource as you make your decision.
I’ve found that when a person or a company needs naming help, it’s often because they’re too close to the situation to do it on their own. They simply love the thing they created too much.
The names I give you won’t all be winners. Some will flat-out suck. But others will get your brains firing in a whole new way. And when that happens, the perfect name isn’t far behind.
So! You want in? Just find me on Twitter.
8
Hang on. You want me to name your pet?
Sure, why not. Babies have four legs, too.
Hi, I’m Luke. I’m a copywriter with Simple Truth, a badass creative agency in Chicago. My wife and I have one human and named him Nolan.
