I Deleted The Medium App
Now I need your help.
Thank you for coming today. Take a seat. I need you to answer a simple question: Before I deleted the Medium app, how many times did I refresh my Medium notifications every day?
15 times? Good guess. The correct answer is 105 times. Every day. I know because Apple sent me a notification along with a personalized message that said “Hey man are you okay? We’re pretty worried about you.” What can I say? I love that little green circle more than tired and trite things like doing my job, feeding my family, getting a decent night’s sleep for once.
Unfortunately, my use of the Medium app finally affected my household. I wasn’t there for my wife, and I was less attentive with my kids. So I finally did what I thought I could never do: I deleted the Medium app from my life and I now interact with only the desktop version. And now, because I’m a millennial, I want you to tell me how great I am for deleting an app that I exclusively used to see if someone new told me how great I am.
So here we are. It’s been a month, and I called you here today because
I DESPERATELY NEED A NEW APP TO REFRESH
Please. I am dying here. Connecting with my wife and dadding my kids is IMPOSSIBLE. Who has the attention span to do this stuff? I sure don’t.
I made a promise to my wife that I’d never use the Medium app again. But that doesn’t mean I can’t endlessly refresh other apps, right? LOOPHOLES, BABY. The foundation of every great and lasting marriage.
Before you sound off in the comments with your suggestion, here are the apps I’ve already tried refreshing that simply don’t cut it.
Facebook
No. Eighty percent of my Facebook notifications are either “LUKE WHAT UP, THIS PAGE YOU MANAGE HAS A NEW FOLLOWER YET AGAIN, LOL WE WILL NEVER STOP SENDING YOU THESE” or “LUKE HEY BRUH, THIS THREAD YOU COMMENTED ON HAS YET ANOTHER COMMENT THAT IN NO WAY PERTAINS TO WHAT YOU SAID BUT WE JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW PEOPLE TO CONTINUE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITHOUT YOU. LOL WHY DO YOU KEEP COMMENTING ON THINGS? FIGURE IT OUT.”
LinkedIn
No. “Dearest Luke, we thought you might want to give a hearty congratulations to this person you don’t know for spending 2 years at a company you didn’t know existed doing a job you didn’t know was a thing. Sincerely yours, LinkedIn.”
Snapchat
I fear things I don’t understand, and there’s nothing I fear more than Snapchat.
Instagram
I love the people who say Facebook is dying while spending every waking minute on Instagram. Facebook owns IG, son. Anyway, this ain’t it either. Unless I wake up one day and decide I want to use my refreshing skills to be reminded that everyone, everywhere has a more perfect life than I do.
Yahoo! Fantasy Football
This is only worth refreshing on 16 Sundays every year. Too niche. NEXT.
Reddit
Yeah, great idea. Every notification I get on Reddit is either someone telling me I’m wrong or yelling at me because I had the audacity to share something I care about.
NOAA Hi-Def Radar
This is honestly my best option at this point. I’m currently spending about 4 hours each day refreshing weather patterns.
Please help me. I need an app to refresh. What you got?
