I Refuse To Believe “GIVE TEACHERS GUNS” Is Not Satire

Good call. Let’s give them one more thing to worry about.

Here’s an idea. When lifeguards spot someone drowning, what if they threw more water on that person?

Hey. Shut up. I don’t want to hear “That won’t work” or “That’s the dumbest idea anyone has ever had” or “Did you suffer head trauma as a baby?” You’re being close minded. Have we tried giving a drowning person more water? We haven’t? Thank you. Let’s give drowning people more water. It might work. Vote Trayser in 2020.

On a related note, the American government continues to derp its way through making sure their kids aren’t murdered at school while simultaneously giving the NRA an under-the-table HJ. (They’re good at multi-tasking.) Case in point:

Trump Suggests Teachers Get a 'Bit of a Bonus' to Carry Guns

Trump, at CPAC, will double down on his support for giving teachers guns

You know how there are no bad ideas in brainstorming? We now have definitive proof it’s not true.

People much more articulate than me have already argued and will continue to argue why “GIVE TEACHERS GUNS” is the literal opposite of what needs to be done. So I won’t do that.

What I will do, however, is draw on my own personal experience. The teachers I had when I was a student, bless their little hearts, have not always been the sharpest tools in the shed. Here now are 100% true memories I have of various teachers in my life.

3rd grade

My teacher was a kind and out-of-touch woman who had bad arthritis and should have retired a decade earlier. She once ripped a MASSIVE fart while bending to pick up a pen she dropped and didn’t realize what just happened.

What she’d do with a gun if she had to use it:

1. Say “ow my hands”
2. Accidentally drop the gun
3. Poop pants while trying to retrieve it

6th grade

My science teacher said “AH-CHOO” when she sneezed. Go ahead and say the word out loud right now. That’s what she sounded like. There was absolutely no hint of an actual sneeze. She’s still the only person I’ve met who’s done that.

What she’d do with a gun if she had to use it:

1. Say “bang” instead of shooting it

7th grade

My technology teacher had a booming voice and laughable technological prowess, plus an inability to override existing programming. He called me “Trasher” the entire year, despite hearing me and my friends say on multiple occasions, “His last name actually rhymes with ‘laser.’”

What he’d do with a gun if he had to use it:

1. Forget how to load it
2. Forget how to turn the safety off
3. Forget he has a gun

Every one of my college professors

Hi, are you EVER going to grade my paper?

What they’d do with a gun if they had to use it:

1. Fire it three weeks later
2. Before firing, Instagram the gun next to a glass of wine
3. With the hashtag #professor