If You Enable Read Receipts and Don’t Respond, Please Know That I Hate You

Why are you like this?

Yo.

Saw you got my text. Great stuff.

It’s 24 hours later and I have yet to get a reply from you. You’ll notice I haven’t followed up with a friendship faux pas like “HELLOOOOOOO?” or “Oh okay I can see how important I am to you.” That passive-aggressive stuff is bush league and I don’t do it.

I will, however, write you a letter on Medium.

Feel free to read it, but don’t worry about responding.

There are two scenarios here.

1. You have read receipts enabled and don’t realize it. You read the text, crafted a reply in your head, then forgot to actually send it. WHOOPSIE DAISIES. How adorably innocent of you.
2. The second and much more likely scenario is that this is a calculated move that lets you get and keep the upper hand in all of your social exchanges.

Solid strategy! Except (you might want to write this down) friendship is not a competition. It is an endless dance of give and take. If it stays one-sided, it dies in a fiery wreck.

I don’t want that to happen to us. You’re funny sometimes. You’re good at Fortnite. That’s enough to make us lifelong friends in my book.

While I waited for your reply, I stayed busy by crafting a list for you. Let me know your thoughts.

17 Things You, A Person Who Enables Read Receipts and Doesn’t Respond, Also Do

1. Refuse to say “Bless you” / “Gesundheit” / “Congrats on all your success” after someone sneezes.
2. Don’t realize how important it is to wave a thank you when someone gives you the right of way on the road.
3. Tip 10% for everything, always.
4. After seeing a movie trailer at the theater with your date, offer no opinion on the film’s overall quality.
5. Instead of resolving conflict in a healthy way, talking about what you’re feeling, and validating the feelings of others, just sit there like a stone and let your anger devour you and everyone you care about.
6. Notice some brown on the toilet after the recent dump you took. Walk out. Someone else will clean it.
7. Tuck the toilet paper roll under instead of over.
8. Put your sweaty drink directly on the table. Coasters are right there, man. I know you see them.
9. Still haven’t realized how much more attractive and cool it is to fess up rather than cover up.
10. Contribute nothing exemplary at work. Just fill a chair and get through the day.
11. Never return books, movies, games someone lent you.
12. Chew with mouth open.
13. Never, ever, under any circumstance —
14. Hang on.
15. You just responded to my text.
16. With a heartfelt apology.
17. Please disregard this entire rant.