“I’m full” and other terms that gained new meaning when I became a mom
Stand back. My boobs might literally blow up.
When I was pregnant, Experienced Parents would give me this look. Head cocked to one side, eyes locked on something over my shoulder. Then they’d say, “Oh, just wait, your whole life is about to change.”
Well, I mean, yeah. I had gained 50 pounds, I couldn’t feel my hands, and I was fully aware that a new human would blast from my body and that my darling husband and I would be 100% responsible for that new human. Obviously things were going to change.
Now that my daughter is here, I’m pretty sure Experienced Parents were actually referring to the things that had sneakily changed for them. Things that flew under the radar and that they could not prepare me for.
Need an example? Sure. Let’s talk clothes.
Pre-baby, clean clothes only had one definition: Clean. These were items that had been laundered fully, probably pressed or steamed, and were hanging in a closet or folded in a dresser.
Now, in this fun new phase of life, the phrase “clean clothes” includes any and all of the following:
- Items on the chaise in our bedroom from July-present. You probably also have a piece of furniture whose sole purpose is collecting clothes. Pro tip: calling it a “chaise” instead of a chair makes you fancy and less susceptible to other people’s judgment.
- Tops that have been worn for approximately one day/night cycle and with which I can still justify wiping baby’s face. The photo below is me in a clean shirt. Yes, that’s baby vomit.
- Bras that have been worn three(ish) times and still somewhat resemble the shape of a bra rather than a hollow raisin.
- Pants that I can, like, kind of remember seeing go to the washing machine at least once since New Human was born (8 weeks ago). While we’re at it, my pants collection has expanded to include my husband’s basketball shorts, leggings, maternity jean shorts, and that one pair of oversized pajamas from some sorority date night that wasn’t even my sorority, or my school.
4 other terms that now mean something totally different
Nightgown: Pre-baby
A slinky, silky garment to be worn after dark. It probably had lace detail. Or in the case of my purple one, it was made entirely of lace. Sorry for the image, Mom. Please don’t read this to Dad.
Anyway, RIP purple lace nightgown. You weren’t comfortable, but you made me look absolutely stunning with low lighting, a good bra, and well-practiced posture.
Nightgown: Post-baby
One of exactly three garments in my rotation. Made of cotton and designed by Kathy Ireland or the fine people at Target. Nursing and night-sweat friendly. One of these is a size large Christmas nightshirt that has been in the rotation constantly for almost a year (I’m sure my husband loved the festive mistletoe appliqué in July when I was 38 weeks pregnant). Covers post-baby belly enough to leave some things to the imagination. But let’s give it a few weeks before you go imagining my post-baby belly at all, k?
Shower: Pre-baby
A daily ritual typically approached with a somewhat leisurely mindset. Lots of hot water, steam, and yummy smelling soaps. A relaxing and rejuvenating practice for the body and soul.
Shower: Immediately post-baby
Panic-inducing. Can my wobbly legs sustain full body weight? “Let the warm water gently wash over the abdomen,” my ass. The water is probably going to rip open the incision, right?
Shower: Several weeks post-baby
A bi-weekly sprint rivaling Olympic time trials. Careful adjustment to water temperature required avoiding spraying milk everywhere. Still have to be careful of that incision because OH MY GOD THE NERVE PAIN.
I’m full: Pre-baby
I ate too much.
I’m full: Post-baby
HEY. WAKE UP AND GRAB OUR BABY OR THE BREAST PUMP OR BOTH BECAUSE THESE THINGS ARE ABOUT TO EXPLODE.
Cocktail: Pre-baby
An alcoholic beverage made of at least three ingredients. Likely to include a top-shelf vodka or Kentucky Bourbon, shaken or stirred and served in an appropriate glass with correct ice portioning. Probably has some kind of garnish.
Cocktail: Post-baby
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