My Sister Described Bachelorette Contestants And I Tried To Guess Their Names
Because God loves us and wants us to have nice things, another season of The Bachelorette is here. I play video games rather than watch reality TV, so I know zilch about this season.
However! I just had the following conversation about the show with my sister, Katie.
“There’s this one guy who’s a total creep and threatens people all the time.”
“Oh man. The producers probably want to keep him around, huh?”
“Totally.”
“What’s his name? Like, Chad?”
“It IS Chad!!”
“lol”
This moment of clairvoyance gave me an idea. Katie would describe the eligible bachelors this year, and I would guess their names.
I’m 1-for-1 so far. Let’s boogie.
Bachelor #2: This guy. He’s really the closest to being worse than Chad. He’s an awful human being. He’s one of the least attractive guys on the show. He’s a male model from Canada. He got super drunk on opening night, took his clothes off and jumped in the pool.
My guess: Josh
Actual name: Daniel
Bachelor #3: He’s Aaron Rodgers’ brother.
My guess: Daaron or perhaps D’aaron
Actual name: Jordan
Bachelor #4: Singer/songwriter. Has the worst name for a musician you could ever imagine. He really needs to change it. He goes by his first and last name because two other guys have the same first name.
“Wait. Why would he need to change his name?”
“Because there’s already a musician with his name.”
“What.”
My guess: John Mayer
Actual name: James Taylor
Bachelor #5: Kind of looks like and has the same name as a Disney prince.
“Stop. There’s a guy on The Bachelorette named Aladdin?”
“No, his name is Ali.”
“KATIE WTF ALI IS NOT A DISNEY PRINCE”
Bachelor #6: He’s Italian.
My guess: Nick
Actual name: Vinny
Bachelor #7: He’s probably my favorite because he’s a radio DJ in Nashville (note: Katie went to Belmont). His name is kind of obscure. Here’s a hint: you drink from a…
My guess: Glass
Actual name: Wells
What a great hint. I don’t think Katie wants me to guess any more names.
Bachelor #8: His occupation literally says “erectile dysfunction expert.”
My guess: Donald
Actual name: Evan
Bachelor #9: War veteran. He’s tall. Seems like a good guy. He looks a creep but he probably is not a creep in real life.
My guess: Derek
Actual name: Luke
“I tried to make him sound cool because he has the same name as you.”
Bachelor #9: He dressed up like Santa the first night. He wore the outfit the whole time.
My guess: Chris
Actual name: Nick
GAHHHHHHHH THESE ARE SO OBVIOUS AFTER I HEAR THEM
Bachelor #10: Boring.
My guess: Todd
Actual name: James F
“Question. Does the guy with the last name initial EVER win or does everyone know he’s doomed?”
“Lauren B won last season!”
“That is a bad name for a guy.”
Bachelor #11: This guy is really nice and really short and he probably won’t win because he’s so short. Under the tattoo section of his bio, it says “Yes. They are all family or work related.”
My guess: Andy
Actual name: Alex
Bachelor #12: You can get this one! You guessed his name already.
My guess: Glass
Actual name: Derek
There are about a thousand more contestants, but I’m calling it right here and salvaging what’s left of my pride.
Final score: 1-for-12. If JoJo does not pick Daaron, I am gonna flip out.
