Reminder: It’s impossible to still be friends after a breakup
Here’s your 5-step guide to recovering right
If you have just had your heart broken, I’m terribly sorry. If you have just broken someone’s heart, I know it was difficult. But you made the right call.
LOL JK. You’re obviously a monster.
Anyway, I figured now is a good time to remind you that it is a straight up awful idea to remain friends after a brutal breakup. No, wait. It’s not merely an awful idea. It’s an impossible one.
Trying to stay friends is a recipe for an incurable case of Van Der Beek Face. I know you’re hurting and you want to be as close to them as you can. But there’s a better way. Follow me.
Step 1: Cut off all contact
The most important step. Stop reading and do this now. Delete the phone number. Unfriend, unfollow, or block on all social media platforms. Forget their home address. Forget their parents’ names. Consider going Eternal Sunshine until you remember that’s not actually a thing.
What’s that? You want to win them back? I know you do, champ. But here’s the thing. If you try to stay friends, you will be an Eeyore. Guaranteed. You’ll be sad, pathetic, clingy, jealous. Are you attracted to any of those things? Neither are they.
If you cut them off completely, it gives you an air of mystery. It makes you seem okay with the breakup. The fact that you’re crying yourself to sleep every night is irrelevant. The fact that food doesn’t taste good anymore is irrelevant. They don’t know you’re in debilitating pain because you aren’t talking to them. Right? Are you listening to me? Hey, come on. Put the phone down. Look at me. You are mysterious, and mystery is intriguing.
Even more important than that, cutting off contact gives you the two things you need most right now: time and space. You might be able to be true friends in the future, but you can’t right now. The pain is too fresh. So cut them off. Now. And then:
Step 2: Exercise every day
We all envision running into the person who dumped us as a totally transformed person and instantly making them regret the day they ended it. Daily rigorous exercise is the best way to make this happen. Do it daily. Picture the look on their face and use it as fuel.
Beating your body up and getting a great sweat going is a beautiful thing. The temporary physical pain briefly silences your emotional pain, and that brief respite is everything. Do it every day, especially when it’s the last thing you want to do. You’ll feel great, look great, and gain confidence.
Step 3: Pursue creative hobbies
I dated a girl for a couple years in high school. Since it was my first real relationship, I was positive we were perfect for each other and would one day wed. Then she dumped me and I cried a lot. I also tried to stay friends with her, which is exactly the thing you’d expect a dumbass and heartbroken 17-year-old to do.
The reason I’m telling you this: I had a strong memory of this girl saying she liked guys who played guitar. So, naturally, I snagged a guitar from my amazingly cool uncle so I could win her back. This plan was, of course, asinine, but it brought a killer side effect: I learned guitar. In college, I played it for the woman who would one day be my wife. It’s is one of the reasons she fell in love with me in the first place.
Whether you want to learn a musical instrument, become an amazing cook, be a better painter, writer, or dancer, for the love of Gob Bluth, DO IT. Becoming adept at something you enjoy will attract someone who enjoys watching you.
Step 4: Enjoy family and friends
Don’t retreat. Connect. Accept invites and extend some of your own.
Step 5: Be proud of the person you’ve become
If you’ve walked the previous four steps for a significant period of time, you’re a totally different person. There’s a chance you’ll get back together with the monster who broke your heart. But it’s far more likely that you’ll find someone better. Someone you deserve.
Do the work, and hang in there. I know it hurts now, but it won’t later. The transformation is coming.
