The insane AirPods benefit I can’t believe no one has mentioned yet
Look beyond the price, you dogpiling robot
Do AirPods cost more than a year of Netflix? Yes. Do they look make your ears look like chain smokers in the midst of their cycle? Well, I’d say they make your ears look futuristic, but sure. Do they sound great? Uh, no. Apparently not.
This morning, I had my old fashioned Apple earbuds locked and loaded. I breezed past a doorknob, confident that my girthy frame would squeeze by. Suddenly, the doorknob screamed “LOL NOOOOOOPE,” grabbed the cord, and roped me like a saloonbound train robber.
Cue the irrational rage. There is no inanimate object I want to murder more than the one that gleefully rips earbuds from my ears.
Things that have ripped my earbuds out since AirPods were announced
- Lawn mower
- Bicycle
- Doorknob
- My own idiot hands. TRAITORS.
- Elliptical machine
That last one, much like my resting heart rate, is a joke. I do not gym.
I’ve spent 33 years on this planet, and as such, I like to think I’ve gotten the hang of walking. I’m adept at instantly determining whether my course needs a correction or if it’ll be smooth sailing. This is part of what makes the cord rip so infuriating. The coast was clear! Instead, the earbuds were once again yanked from my ears because, for the umpteenth time, I forgot about the cord. If only someone could remove it once and for all.
The cord rip is a menace. It causes immense pain, embarrassment, and inconvenience. Because we can’t retaliate on an inanimate object—although we swear we can hear it cackling—we rectify the injustice by treating the people we love most just a little bit worse. Make no mistake. The cord rip doesn’t just damage our ears. It damages the flow of the day, our morale, and indeed, our relationships.
Apple knew going cordless would make them a laughingstock. They knew they would never receive credit for restoring balance and saving relationships. Yet they did it anyway, because they care about our happiness.
Thank you, Apple.
Your courage astounds me. I can’t wait to fork over $159 for the right to make my doorknobs sad.
