The Only Two Ways To Drink Coffee
Don’t screw this up.
“I used to drink coffee with lots of cream and sugar. But when I switched to drinking it black, boys started to pay attention to me.” —My grandma, telling her grandson why she prefers black coffee. She was the best.
Option 1: Solo
By yourself, are ya? Excellent. Alone time is a wonderful way to reap staggering amounts of productivity, peace, and video games.
Anyway, in these situations, apply cream and sugar until the coffee tastes good. Pleasant experience, no? Enjoy the you time. You deserve it.
Option 2: Social
Hanging with people you care about, are ya? Excellent. Quality time with others is a wonderful way to connect, laugh, and talk about how much you wish you could be playing video games right now.
Anyway, in these situations, take your coffee black. I know. LOOK. I KNOW, OK? Black coffee tastes so bad. Like, so bad. Nobody enjoys it.
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a man in possession of caffeine amongst friends, must be in want of no other flavor enhancements—even though black coffee is hot trash water.” —Jane Austen
Will you shut up for a second? Listen to what your friends say when they learn how you drink coffee.
- “Wow! You take your coffee black?!”
- “You are a BADASS.”
- “How can one person possibly be this cool?”
Feels good, doesn’t it? People love complimenting someone who takes their coffee black. Use their kind words to give you the strength to actually drink that abomination of a beverage. You can do this. It’s a guaranteed way to make people think you’re cool. And when you stop and think about it, isn’t that what life is really about?
Bonus! Option 3: Don’t Drink Coffee
Hey, if you truly love coffee, then by all means keep consuming it.
But consider the fact that maybe you drink it because it’s just something people do. You don’t need the effects. What you need is sleep. You should get more sleep, you silly goose.
If you fall into that second camp, switch to tea. Or water. Wow, water is so perfect. To sum up, get more sleep and drink more water. Cool. Good talk.
Key Takeaway
Please don’t let all these words distract from the lone reason I wrote this post: to inform you that black coffee tastes really bad. If you say you enjoy the taste, I am telling you that what you actually enjoy is the taste of compliments. Thank you. I will not be taking questions.
