Wish your office would socialize more? Drown the router in IPA!

And 11 more (horrifying) workplace and productivity tips

1. Are you swamped? Make sure everyone knows it! Coworkers love hearing about your insane workload. Prepare to receive many donuts and back rubs. Are back rubs inappropriate? You bet! Counterpoint: who cares? You’re more swamped than Florida. Relieve that tension, kid.
2. Black coffee is great for a boost, but you know what’s even better? Letting it cool to room temperature before enjoying it. Studies have shown room temperature black coffee provides a more concentrated and powerful caffeine boost. A fun challenge: see if you can take a sip without throwing up!
3. Cologne goes on the skin, mouthwash goes in the mouth. Everyone knows this. But on the mornings you’re truly dragging, give your tonsils a shot of Acqua Di Gio. Nothing wakes your body up like confusing it!
4. Worried your team won’t hit that deadline? Remind the designer Google has wonderful image search capabilities. It’s a fact many of us forget. Designers love when you interrupt their flow with helpful tidbits! Collaboration!
5. Typing like a trained monkey? Be sure to clearly speak every word you type. Coworkers will be able to correct your mistakes on the fly! Collaboration!
6. Those tiny half & half containers are still too much sometimes. If you’re only using half of the half & half, leave the open container on the counter so the next person can enjoy the other half of the half & half. They get a little extra cream while you keep a little extra weight off and help the environment! Collaboration!
7. When you don’t know how to do something, it’s a great idea to ask someone. Your genuine humility will be noticed. And if you don’t like the answer you’re given, make sure to ask every other person on the team until you get the solution you’re looking for.
8. If you’re a copywriter, designers will often ask for a shorter headline. No. Your headline is perfect. That’s why you wrote it. Tell them to make the picture smaller. Good with words AND design chops?? Creative Director, here you come!
9. Salmon is a super food. Eating it for lunch not only keeps you healthy and happy, it helps you avoid the dreaded afternoon crash. And if you’re having leftovers, don’t worry! Just pop that bad boy into the microwave! The enticing scent will soon permeate every corner of the office! Hooray!
10. Need a morning jolt? You have GOT to get in the habit of taking cold showers. Not only does it wake you right up, your loved ones and neighbors will wake right up as well thanks to your deathy and high-pitched wails of agony. Carpe diem!
11. The bathroom is often occupied and always far away from your desk. Rather than consume company time getting to and fro, simply clip those pesky toenails at your desk! What a timesaver!

Thanks for reading this terrible advice. I now advise you to ignore all of it.

I had coauthors for this piece, and I am now going to thank them. Jason and Dan, thank you. I value your friendship and input. Collaboration!

If you enjoyed reading this, I hereby invite you to share it and follow me and/or Words for Life. Thank you. Have yourself a day.