10 customers to not be this Holiday Season

Art Jones
Art Jones
Dec 10, 2014 · 5 min read

For James and Jenny

Working in retail is already hard enough, however let’s try our best to be professional customers this holiday season to help that sales associate/ customer specialist out even more.

You never know, they might even throw some extra coupons your way.

COUPONS!
  1. The Soccer Mom

That’s my all time favorite, she brings in her little roster of kids and looses them in the toys or tablet section of the store. Ocassionaly you will find them inside of the aisles playing “ Tag” or “ Hide or Go Seek.” Even though you try to connect with both the parent and the kid, servicing them is twice as hard.

Code Adam in Mens.

2. The New Significant Other

Have an idea for what you want to get for your significant other.

I can not stress how frustrating it can be when you have to be the mannequin for your customer because you and her boyfriend are “ similar sizes.”

I’m sorry I’m 6'3 and 235, wearing an XL, and a 38x32, are you sure your LAX bro boyfriend is a “similar size?”

Sometimes you’ll get boyfriends who come in always say, “ I think she’ll be okay with this,” when in actuality she comes back the next day to return the item.

Red and Nantucket Red are two different things.

Remember gift cards and money, ALWAYS work.

Remember gift cards and money, ALWAYS work.

3. The Crazy Senior Citizen

“Ma’am” and “Sir” will be heavily used.

We ask that you take your time, don’t cut lines and if you need help to do so politely.

I know that you may have a hearing aid in, but let’s not make me deaf helping you find your grandchild the shoes or sweather that they wanted, which is out of stock.

No we do not accept monopoly money , and yes I will check your ID with ANY check or credit card purchase.

We card ALL THE DAMN TIME.

4. The Young Professional/ Professional

Common tips when stepping in my line.

  • Get off of the phone- Bluetooth enabled devices included
  • Just because you manage your team, does not mean you manage me.
  • Pay attention to the line.
  • Stop emailing.
  • Have your receipt/ form of payment out. Let’s not dump everything out on the counter.
This usually means, “ NEXT CUSTOMER IN LINE!”

5. The Couple

“ Aww you guys are so cute.”

Be that as it may, PDA is not appreciated in my line. Let’s be professional here people. As much as you and your “boo” love each other. It makes me a bit nasueaous.

Tums, please.
  • TIP: Buy she/he their gift in private and surprise each other later.

Let’s not ruin the main reason why we celebrate the holidays: to surprise our loved ones by showing them why/ how much we love them by listening to their needs & wants and deciding what’s best for them, SECRETELY.

6. The Date

We understand that you just had dinner, and since my store is in the mall located next door that gives you a right to window shop before your movie starts. However when this becomes routine, I might have to ask you to dismiss yourself.

This isn’t Cheers.

7. The Specialist

We know you’re a platinum card member, we know you shop here ALL of the time, and have every hot item that we have.

We know that you know the thread count, processor speed, available sizes and colors and our return policy like the back of your hand. However, I AM TRAINED to best help and serve you. I know I might be lazy and all, BUT LET ME DO MY JOB.

8. The Unemployed Shopper(s)

Trading stuff in and returning stuff so you can get money to pay your bills.

REALLY, REALLY NOW.

We’re hiring ALL THE TIME, just ask for an application.

Give me a minute to compose myself.

9. The Fellow Employee

I know your store does not have what you want. You should’ve been smarter and held it aside when you MOD told you to. No but you had to be hard headed. Also, don’t come in here acting like you own the place. Just because we work for the same company, does not mean that we are besties.

  • TIP: have your employee card/ ID out and let’s get it moving so my line can disappear.

10. The Classmate/ Associates

I use the term “friend” mightly loosely and Lord knows people get real “friendly” when they know about that discount. No I will not get fired because you need an item now. Just because you play on the basketball/ football team does not mean I will give you a discount on these headphones. How about you get some wins and then I can help you out.

ANSWER: NO!

Which is more important? Getting that item 50% off or keeping my 9–5?

Answer: Keeping my 9–5. It costs to be a BOSS.

11. ( BONUS) YOUR MOD/ DISTRICT MANAGER/ HELL ANY MANAGER

They come up to your register. They check out and while you’re ringing them out, a flood of emotions appear. Like them giving you extra shifts after they fired that one guy. Them giving you “special assignments,” or yelling at you for too many post voids and not enough credit card apps.

I hate you.

Great just great.

However my yearly review is coming up and I would like that $.25 raise.

Please???

    Art Jones

    Written by

    Art Jones

    All opinions are that of my own.

    Words from Another… Millennial

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