Incomplete Apologies
I recently watched the film “Her”, a very modern love story given the trajectory and rate things are heading in regards to our decaying human relationships compared to our hyper-focused and intense ones with technology. To be honest I didn’t like 1/3 of the movie, there were many moments that were a turn-off. Overall I still enjoyed the film because of mainly how it ended, it really came through in the ending, it finished very strong. I highly recommend this film as it is very different and unique and it will open our minds to new insights about relationships and love with a critical new factor, technology.
This isn’t a review of the film, as there are plenty enough already. What I really wanted to write about is not about artificial intelligence and love that I found to be really profound in this film, there are a lot of insights like I said, but what I realize most importantly, oddly enough is what it truly takes to apologize. I realized how saying sorry is not enough not only for the victim(s), because truthfully whenever there is an argument, dispute or misunderstanding all parties are victims, it is also not enough for ourselves. To really find closure, let go and find catharsis with a broken relationship that has wronged us or caused us pain we must apologize the right way.
It took my whole life (24 years in 2014) and close to two hours until the last 5-8 minutes or so in this film to realize how saying sorry is really not enough. No matter how we change up the words, the phrases or the delivery it will still be incomplete. There are many times in my life where I’ve said “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” or even “I’m very sorry” and still felt it wasn’t enough, that it wasn’t truthful, most of the time I trick or lie to myself into believing that I’m done and I can move on, but months or years later it till lingers and comes back to haunt me, I don’t truly have closure.
That last letter in the film that woke me up wasn’t a masterpiece but the combination of the words and phrases really touched and moved me to finally realize that to truly apologize, we must also express gratitude. Apologizing no matter how many different words we use or how meaningful they might be will only be halfway complete, to most people that’s good enough. It is extremely difficult to admit you did wrong, that alone is an incredible feat, but to truly move on or find a positive emotional response is to complete the second half, by showing gratitude and thanking the other person for all that they’ve done, the journey and ride that they’ve gone through together with you, for better or worse.
I feel like the second half of an apology is easier, we just forget to do it. To admit wrongdoing and to show remorse and regret, that’s the hard part, it takes so much of ourselves and it leaves us extremely vulnerable to be hurt even more when the other person does not accept our apology. That’s why in the second half of an apology, the gratitude and appreciation aspect can really set us free because it really leaves everything on the table and nothing gets held back, we’ve not only brought closure on the bad and negative things in our relationships, we’ve also brought the positive and good things to light, everything that did go right about our broken relationships giving us not only closure but hope and the honest feeling that our past relationships no matter how painful or regretful were not in vain, and we can truly move on and move forward.
