Go For More

I was brought up as a good girl. This is not my parents’ fault. That’s how it was thought then. This was considered an advantage. Maybe because the adult was not living easily then. Everything had to be gained. Making your own dreams was not something natural. It was more important to get the products you need and those that were missing.
I used to live in times when many things were lacking in stores. To buy something, you had to have not only money, but also a ration stamps. These stamps authorized you to do grocery shopping in a certain amount, in a month. There were ration stamps for meat, flour, cereal, and later for gas, chocolate, coffee and sugar.
I remember stores where there was nothing exept the seller.
I remember that to buy meat it was best to queue at 5 am. The store opened at 8 am but the queuing did not guarantee a purchase anyway.
These were difficult times for adults. It was adults who had to make sure that there was something to eat at home. The hunger did not threaten anyone, but it was necessary to get a good idea to buy basic food products.
It is during these times that we have learned that local friendships work best, especially in butchers.
My mother went to the city center every day, hoping to buy something. She never knew what.
Sometimes she came back with lemons. Rarely. Sometimes she came back with mandarins, which I loved. Rarely. Sometimes she came back with a chocolate-like product, but it did not bother anyone that it was not real chocolate. It reminded me of chocolate and above all, it was sweet and harvested. Fortunately, it was not a war but a sad martial law.
No, I did not feel a threat. However, it was a specific kind of life in scarcity, struggling with constant shortages and combining to get something. For example, shoes for the winter. One pair of course.
Paradoxically, we did not lack the money. There was not a lot of money, but there were not enough products too. There was plenty of work for it. Anyone who wanted to, could work. Only there was not much to buy. The shelves in the shops were quite empty, maybe except for vinegar bottles.
We had money to survive, we had time, only goods were missing.
That’s how I remembered. Forgive me. Nothing big. Memories.
It reminded me of the title. Go for more.
Now when I started writing, these experiences of lack are being heard in me. I know that they are in my mentality even though my life in the Polish People’s Republic was not traumatic. However, some traces were left in us certainly.
Why do you need something more? All you need is what you have ! Others have even less! You can not be happy with what you have? Sit down! You already have something ! You are not hungry ! Do not go on! Be a settler ! Do not want anything more!
And I rebel against it. It’s my little revolution. I could not fight then because I was too small, so I will fight now with the remnants of the communist system that I have in me.
And I want more. I can not look at others for a lifetime and give up my own aspirations. I am happy with what I have, but I will not sit down. I’m full but I have hunger and thirst. I want more.
So I go for more. I will think about writing more widely. I will think about writing high.
I have already been close to staying with such a thought: what you have completely should be enough. You do not have to go for more.
And I will go for more. I do not know what exactly this means but I am opposed to this narrow thinking triggered by the belief that if there is shortage — it’s OK and if there is excess — something is wrong.
I write and I will write. I will also go for more, though I was close to settle down. I do not know where I will go, but I like my new key idea.
I go for more, so I ordered a book about writing that I picked up at the bookstore and later put it on the shelf. I have problem to buy anything for myself. It’s completely sick.
I’m healing to go for more and probably not accidentally the title of ordered book is “Expressive Writing: Words That Heal” by James W. Pennebaker, Joshua M. Smyth.
Going for more regards writing, does not mean to write more productively and faster. It’s about expanding the universe that’s inside us.
Every day let it expand at least a little.
And what does this title” GO FOR MORE” means for you, my beloved friends in writing ? Do you want something more in your writing’s life?
