God And Me (Part 2)

I regret. I regret it more than all my sins. Or maybe it was just my biggest sin.

I regret that I didn’t love God with unconditional love. I turned to Him because I did not find anyone else to whom I could turn for help. He was the so-called “my last resort”. He was my last hope but should be the first.

I hope that God will forgive me because I had difficulty with love at all. Regardless of the reason, the main driving force in my life was fear. And this had nothing to do with love. I know it best based on many years of experience.

My fear led me to God when I could not deal with it anymore. And God … He discovered in me a talent that I did not even suspect myself of.

At the beginning I met a christian community in which music played a large role. During the prayer sessions, a music band composed of singers, instrumentalists and intercessors was formed. God’s word, human voices and musical instruments. All based on certain principles, but also on improvisation.

I’ve actually dreamed about becoming the second Misty Edwards. I have dreamed about experiencing perfect conversion, being talented over measure, playing and singing for God and about creating melodies. And also I have dreamd about playing concerts and being worshiped by the crowd.

Now I know. I know. It was my ego that demanded attention. I came to my senses in time. I think it was because I really wanted the truth. From the beginning of my journey with God, I was interested in the truth. I was looking for it constantly. With complete conviction that only the truth could set me free.

But discovering the truth about myself was painful. I was not someone who I wanted to be. I was myself but that was not enough for me. It hurt me. I prayed to God for a change. But it’s like defying the will of God. He created me as I was.

I was and I am one of a kind. No imitation will bring me relief. And yet it was difficult for me to accept it.

Some day I received information about workshops on writing Christian songs. I did not think about creating lyrics, but I played music for God. I wanted to meet a host who was famous song’s writer, he had his band, he recorded songs and toured. I was curious about the man who created and believed in God.

This meeting turned out to be a breakthrough for me.

The condition for participation were two song lyrics. I forced myself. I literally forced myself and … I wrote the first lyrics in my life. I forced to write them only to be present at the meeting.

I listened to real writer for the first time in my life. He talked about writing, creating, about creative DNA and where to look for inspiration. I absorbed all information. Still not thinking that it could be useful to me because of being creative. It was just interesting.

I learned a few things about writing. And it became clear to me that words mean something to me. Throughout my life I thought that I was not creative. I put it on and I kept it. It was a very strong conviction.

In the second part of the workshop, the Writer announced that those who want can read their texts.

My first thought was that it was not addressed to me. I came here not to write texts in the future. I didn’t even know if I would be able to read my text. But then another thought came to me. Strong. I was there so announcement was also addressed to me. I started to wonder if it was possible to miss such an opportunity because it was not known if there would ever be another. This lack of the next possibility shook me up and anesthetized stress. I’ve never seen any writer with my own eyes before. Could I be sure of receiving a second chance in the future?

And then I felt the imperative to report. It was no longer a rational action. I did not think what would happen if they did not like my text and whether I could tolerate criticism at all. However, I focused only on this: to dare to raise my hand.

And I raised my hand. I waited in the queue with my heart beating. Emotions were huge. I read my text and thought that the world had stopped. I heard the writer’s words that he told that my text was beautiful and that he has not heard such beautiful words for a long time.

These words have triggered the cascade of events.

My ears were humming. I was overwhelmed. I did not hear what the Writer was saying next. He even said that somebody could use my lyrics to create a song.

It was nice. It was great. I have not heard good words about myself for a long time. It was a miracle.

After meeting, for one month, uninvited words came to me every day. I experienced what inspiration is. I felt attached to some strength that I did not understand. The first time in my life, I experienced its power on myself.

I wrote about 50 texts during one month. Outstanding? No. Average. The miracle was that they were created in such quantity.

Of course, as a disciple of Jesus, I was still completely green. My image of faith was imprecise and weak.

I was convinced that the path to success opens before me. Now I would write, I would find my readers, the whole community would finally appreciate me, my songs would be sung by crowds.

I even thought that since God has revealed such talent to me, He must simply continue to help me and organize my writing life.

How wrong I was and at the same time how much God helped me — in the next episode.

To be continued.