The New Me.

I was trapped for years. In a trap of helplessness. Total. Overwhelming. Helplessness, which even took my breath away.

This helplesness pushed me to the margin of life. I was becoming invisible. Subconsciously, I did everything to mean nothing. To be invisible. Nobody wanted anything from me then. And only in this condition could I function relatively well. I torpedoed every attempt to take me to the stage from the audience. Efficiently. I decided that if it is so difficlult for me to be on a stage, I should stay in the group of spectators and in the last row. I am not entitled to anything more. I even liked my “last rows”.

The longer it lasted, the more I was convinced that it must be so. I thought that no type of success was intended for me. I couldn’t change this way of thinking. For a very long time my experiences only confirmed what I thought about myself. I dreamed about big change, but nothing changed. In the end, I stopped dreaming.

I was more and more angry with the world. I felt jealousy and envy. I focused only on myself. I was bitter. Day by day.

I didn’t communicate well with people. I wanted them to think that I have more potential than they could see in me. I know now that it isn’t the fault of people or the world. There are 7 bilion people on the Earth. Silencing the voice is not a good way to ask for help. The world will help you, but it is you who have to explain to the world what you want. The shameful introductions like that: you know, I do not know if I deserve or that : of course, there are many better ones than me or that: but if it is not a trouble I would like - WILL NOT BRING A RESULT.

I had to stamp my foot and raise my voice. I stopped apologizing for everything. It seemed to me that I was screaming terribly. But it wasn’t a scream. It was my voice.Only I never spoke so loudly and decisively.

I want to write! I want to write! I want to write!

The world heard my call. This was the begnning of my writing journey. I had to think about how I look at the world? Did I see only what is visible? Did I resist only on my reason?

I wanted to see wonderful and impossible things in my life. So I began to wonder about my faith. What did I believe in? What kind of tools did I use? Good thoughts? Prayer? Thinking positive about yourself? Where was a source of my hope? What gave me strength? Who was my God? Did my God believe in me? Did my God want a greater life for me than I had.

I now believe in God who does impossible things. I now trust in God who believes in me. Often it seems irrational to me. However, my story taught me that living rationally I lived without any spirit. I didn’t know what faith meant at all. And faith allows us to survive this period that separates us from the birth of a dream to the moment when it will bear fruit in real life.

If you want to write as me and are not happy with your life so far, it means that you have to buy … a new pen. I am not joking.There is no alternative in my opinion.

I bought a new pen. I bought a colorful ink.

Waiting for a big change, I start to use tools that do not belong to the visible world. Hope, love and faith belong to a basic set.

I composed some new songs. I bought new things. I changed my daily routines. I tried to make myself anew. It was like making pots. Some pots break but I do not care. I keep going.

And I write. And I just realized that my main goal is not to write a book or get recognition. My main goal is simply. Writing. Just writing.

Those who have the same goal in life know that their implementation is not obvious.

I want to write. My old self bothered me and still bothers me sometimes. But now I am using a new tools to transform myself. I want to change myself but I don’t want to destroy. Certain features of my old self led me to the place where I write. Which means that not everything should be changed.

However, a change is necessary. A change is a great strength. And a lot of strength is needed to write regularly.