Breaking All The Rules
and doing unmentionable things
Seeing the stack of emails in her inbox, Aubrey found herself short of breath. She’d just finished a week of vacation and now she was back to the reality of work. Before she left for vacation, she’d felt like she was drowning and hoped the vacation would refresh her. Aubrey’s vacation had felt amazing, she could catch her breath and relax. She’d known this would be the answer to all her problems and she’d be able to return back prepared to work and function as a human.
In that moment, she realized that break was not enough. She thought to herself, “what would be enough?”
People always said rest was all the solution she needed, now that she’d gotten it, what was her excuse? Aubrey had been feeling so out of control for months now even though to everyone else, she was killing it.
In her head, she rationalized. “I feel like crap but compared to other people I’m getting a lot done, so maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe I’m making a problem where there really isn’t one.”
A colleague appears next to her workstation, asking if she could take on an extra assignment that would add a week’s worth of work to her list. As her colleague awaits her acceptance, she feels her voice catch in her throat. Aubrey’s lips are frozen, but her mind is racing, and a persistent thought of death consumes her. She fights to shake the thought off, and a “Yes,” leaps out of her mouth.
The colleague smiles, thanks her profusely and leaves.
Aubrey’s head sinks into her palms, while tears begin to well up in her eyes. She feels destroyed, like everything is pointless. She knew she would most likely get the work done, but it felt like this would be an endless cycle. Aubrey knew it wasn’t the work itself, she knew it was what she wanted to do, but over the past several months it felt like something inside her broke.
Days later, she finds herself emotionally exhausted and comes to terms with the fact that something has to be wrong. Aubrey looks up her symptoms and sees similarities to depression.
• Feelings of emptiness, hopelessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities
• Tiredness and lack of energy
• Anxiety
• Frequent or recurring thoughts of death or suicide
She thinks back to when these may have started and can’t even pinpoint when that was, but knows it’s been quite some time. Seeing the recommendation to seek professional help she cringes.
“What would her family think? What would other people say?”
Despite her questions, she knows she can’t continue on like she has, and clicks the link to some depression resources. Aubrey realizes there are so many therapists in her area, and with filters she can easily find someone’s specialty and experience. Seeing a few photos displaying seemingly nice people that looked like herself, she requests a call to setup an appointment.
Aubrey hears back from each therapist, and decides to choose a woman who has availability the next afternoon.
As the workday ends, Aubrey heads to the address the therapist provided.
She arrives just in time for her appointment and enters just as the therapist steps out into the lobby to greet her. The session begins and she feels out of place, but the therapist reaffirms that it can be a big step for every person that seeks therapy.
Taking in the words and welcoming nature, she feels herself relaxing a bit and feeling grateful for this wise person sitting across from her.
She thinks to herself, “Maybe this isn’t so bad. Why did I fight this so much before?”
As the therapist gives her suggestions and recommends that they start weekly sessions, Aubrey warms up to the idea.
Talking to a stranger about her problems, and being open about her weaknesses, her mother would say that she was “breaking all the rules.”
Whether this were true or not, she would rather break this rule than allow this unspoken rule to break her as a person.
Months after starting therapy, Aubrey finally sees some of the hard work paying off. She knows she’s not completely healed but she’s in a place of growth and improvement from where she started. Her therapist has helped her find words to the feelings she has had and completely normalizes her situation.
Therapy had become such a normal part of her life that she even felt comfortable telling her family. Her family was hesitant at first but as they saw Aubrey glow like they had never seen before, they couldn’t deny it had done some good.
Whether or not it’d be a journey she’d be on for only a few more months or even a few years, she knew it would continue to change her life for the better.
For those who are struggling emotionally and mentally but are hesitant about doing therapy, take the leap. It can be scary, but remember it can’t be as scary as staying in the same condition you’re already in.
And for BIPOC, it can seem to be something that goes against the culture but dare to be different. We need to become comfortable with getting professional help and allowing a safe environment for our family and friends to seek help when they need it.
