Young, Introverted Black Woman: Confessions From The Workplace
Written by Kiliyah Mair| Communications and Data Analyst, Enlightened Solutions
For a great portion of my life, I have been extroverted. I love meeting new people and learning intimate stories of how we all maneuver throughout our complex world. However, since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, I have quickly learned that as a Black woman, consistent extroversion leads to exhaustion, imposter syndrome, and expectation to express solely happiness within the workplace and academic institutions.
To protect my peace, adapting to introversion was necessary.
2020 was immensely straining psychologically, economically, and physically, especially for Black people who endured two public health crises; COVID-19 and longstanding racism. Black people still had to attend work with the extroverted qualities our peers, employers, and the world expected of us. We could not exhibit our frustrations when overhearing coworker chatter labeling Black rage as measurable, Black victims as drug addicts, and openly justifying why Black people deserved death and brutality for existing.
As a Black woman maneuvering through part-time office jobs and classrooms on a predominantly white college campus, I could no longer do it.
Social awkwardness spiked in the wake of social distancing (for over a year!) and I also became deeply frustrated attempting to remain cheerful around people who had no problem with expressing their discontent for Black people. I stopped fake laughing and smiling at bigoted comments disguised as “harmless jokes” and refrained from coworker gossip circles filled with microaggressions. I most importantly refused to go out of my way to initiate cheerful conversation to counteract the prevalent stereotype of the “angry, moody Black Woman.”
Embracing introversion and abandoning forced extroversion became less exhausting for me, especially when prompted to perform this way for hours, within work and other professional spaces. However, many other Black women are still punished within the workspace for being introverted.
When Black Women are introverted, quiet, or reserved they are negatively rated on performance reviews, questioned about their dedication to the job, and labeled as: hard to work with, unprofessional, intimidating, unapproachable, stuck up, and standoffish. This truth is not only confined to workspaces, as it also occurs to young Black girls within classrooms, on college campuses, social settings, and any other space involving groups of people.
“Don’t Forget Your Mask”
While maneuvering through professional spaces, I realized I was constantly putting on a mask of extraversion in order to keep from seeming unprofessional, jeopardizing my job, and as a form of protection from constant interrogation.
Each time my mask slipped, employers and coworkers would interrogate my silence with an endless stream of questions regarding my personal life and wellbeing. Working in predominantly white spaces made these strange and infuriating occurrences even more frequent. Having to exert extra energy into finding excuses to combat these questions was exhausting and never satisfied by a simple “I’m fine.”
This push to discover an issue where there is none exists because non-Black people are uncomfortable and unaccustomed to introverted Black women. What this world is accustomed to is a racist caricature of “loud, gossiping, angry, strong, Black Woman” displayed in the mass media.
So when non-Black people are approached by a shy, quiet, unconfrontational, timid Black woman they either unconsciously or consciously punish them for it by forcing them to be something they are not.
I no longer wanted to hear microaggressions or give my coworkers the chance to believe that I was a stereotype that would perform for them whenever they wanted to talk down on another human being. I admired this quality of introversion, embracing it fully. I began taking off the mask of extroversion more frequently and it felt wonderful.
Imposter Syndrome & Confusion of the Self
There were many times where I considered quitting or retreating from workspaces after becoming overwhelmed with the inability to be who I am; the inability to express any emotion besides false happiness. I was convinced that whenever I entered a space that punished me for being human, I would simply quit. When explaining this thought to my elder and wiser family members and friends I was always told,
“There’s no point in quitting because this is how the real world is going to be.”
I absolutely feared and despised this response because it showed that I was not only expected to change but was supposed to change who I am in order to survive in the upcoming real world. Even though I tried to reject this response as the truth, I began to view it as inevitable as I grew older and more aware of the world around me and the systems created against me.
If I had to be extroverted in the workplace to avoid punishment and to meet the standards of professionalism, then this must have been true within other spaces as well such as the classroom and social settings.
As a college student, learning when to put on the mask of extraversion and deciding when it was safe to take it off made me hyper-aware of how I was perceived and the consequences that would follow if the mask were to slip.
I unconsciously internalized this as the truth and linked extroversion to success and introversion to failure.
These thoughts fueled imposter syndrome causing me to question my confidence, talents, and personality.
Self-Determined Balance
After being extroverted and introverted in different phases within the workplace I have come to recognize that a balance must be developed in order to safely and effectively maneuver throughout professional spaces as a Black Woman; a balance that is determined by our own standards. Within professional spaces, creating a state of being that fits my identity and revamping how I show up and maneuver in this world is what I strive for, only for now.
The most important lesson I have learned from my own experiences as a previously extroverted, and now a semi-introverted Black woman is to place my own wellbeing before institutions and individuals who refuse to accept me as I am.
I hope future generations of Black Women are able to take up space in all forms; powerfully introverted, passionately extroverted, and everything in between.
