Can I commute to home?
Every day for 10 years I spent three hours in my car driving to and from work.
I got really into music. I listened to everything; I had the time. I became familiar with all the new stuff, tried different genres, and rediscovered a lot of the music from my glory days. Third Eye Blind, Counting Crows, and Sister Hazel became top hits once again.
As the years sped by it became repetitive. I felt like I had heard it all. I memorized every word to every song. I could knock out “My Shot” from Hamilton and “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies back to back. What a waste. Isn’t my time worth more than this? I need to be spending this time on something that helps me be better.
I turned to audiobooks. This will solve my problems. Crushing books like muscle heads do deadlifts was my jam. Hows your 1.25x speed treating you? I’m up to 1.5x now, sucka. Fiction? I’m too good for that. I wanna learn! I need to know about the real world. I cruised through every business and nonfiction book I could find.
But they started feeling repetitive. And honestly just felt like work at some point. I’m balancing hypothetical 4-hour work weeks and mastering 7 new habits. I was just adding more work to my to-do list. I didn’t feel like I was learning anything useful and felt disconnected from the world right around me.
I moved on to podcasts. The content was fresh and endless. I’m at 1.75x speed now! I’m learning at a rate never known to man. How many podcasts can I listen to in a day? Can I become as smart as a Stephen Dubner and as funny as a Conan O’Brien?
I craved more… everything. I was listening to these things anytime I got a spare moment. At the grocery store, driving my kids to school, writing some code. There was not a minute during the day I wasn’t listening to something.
And then one day my brain kinda… b̸͑̈͒͂r͟o̕k̶̛̏͊͠e̵̒͌̎͋.
Things got really fuzzy. I couldn’t think straight. I had a hard time focusing on any one thing. What did they say? I’m trying so hard to pay attention. What was I doing? I had something important today. I had spent so much time trying to learn everything I could that now I couldn’t even think at all. There was so much running through my mind that I no longer felt truly present.
One day, driving home from work, filled with anxiety, I paused the podcast. I rolled down the windows. And drove in silence.
The silence was even louder than the music. It was painful. What is this, 0.25x speed? Where’s David Ariely? Does he have any thoughts on how I can feel better? Maybe Alanis Morissette could comfort me. But I fought through. I knew what I had to do. I had to listen to… myself. Ew.
My thoughts were flying by so fast that I couldn’t make them out. It was disorienting. It was uncomfortable. It wasn’t productive. I hated it.
30 minutes passed and the thoughts started to slow down. I could start to distinguish them from each other. I could take one in, process it a bit, and move onto the next. Problems that were heavy on my mind for weeks were beginning to feel lighter. I understood where I was and what I was doing. I had ideas on what to do next.
By the time I got home my mind was quiet. I could think. I could process. I could be present and listen. I felt oddly alive.
I spent the next 2 years commuting to and from work in silence. It was my moment to process. It was my opportunity to listen but in a new way, not to the world and what everyone else was doing, but to myself, and what I was doing and needed to do. It became a critical part of my day and life. Work became easier, relationships became more personal, I felt healthier. My brain was vibing at a chill 1x speed.
In 2020, when so much of the world moved to work from home, I was happy to not have to go to the office every day. So much extra time in my day to spend time with my kids and to get more work done. Maybe I can even start some new hobbies. Learn some new skills. I started maximizing my time at home. I’m probably 1.5x more productive now without having that sucky commute. What a waste that was, amirite?
Years passed. I sure was effective. Maximizing every moment of the day. Without a commute, I can spend that time on more valuable things! Reading books, watching instructional videos, listening to podcasts again?!? I got to see my kids in between meetings, eat dinner with the family every night. I felt like I was at the top of my game. WFH was a huge unlock.
Then over time things started to shift. The thoughts and noise were piling up again. My brain became cloudy. Why don’t I feel better? Is it the pandemic? People say it’s the pandemic. How did I feel more settled when I was in my car 3 hours a day?
One day my wife called me out. I asked her a question and she just looked at me and smirked. “I already asked you this, huh?” “Yeah, about an hour ago. You keep doing that. Are you okay?” Whoa. She’s right. What’s wrong with me? Am I depressed? Is there something else going on? Do I hate my job? I’m so happy working from home but so mentally miserable at the same time.
I eventually recognized the feeling. It was the same one I had that day 6 years ago. My silent commute became a necessary moment in my day and it was no longer a part of my schedule. How do I recreate a commute when I don’t have one? How do I find a moment of silence when I don’t have an excuse to be alone? I guess I need to find a way to commute to the home office.
The problem is that trying to schedule 3 hours a day to sit with my thoughts is impossible. It’s too unproductive. I could never. I have to get work done. I have to be doing stuff. I can’t waste my time! I have to be productive! The only reason I ever did it was because I was forced to.
Today I’m still looking for the right solution. I’ve tried a lot of things and it doesn’t always look the same. Sometimes it’s a walk. Sometimes it’s sitting outside. Sometimes it’s sitting at my desk, with just a pen and a notebook. Sometimes it’s lying on a couch. And sometimes it’s going for a drive just to end up back at home.
I’m slowly getting better. I now feel like I’m running at 1.25x. I’m a work in progress. I dream of getting back to 1x speed but that may take more time.
I will likely never schedule 3 hours of staring out the window. It was the most valuable thing I did and I can’t afford to do it anymore. But maybe I can figure out a way to consistently commute to my desk, in silence, at a cool 1x speed.
