I’ve Never Felt Guilty About Being a Working Mother
I may feel guilty if my children end up in jail one day!
I was 36 when I had my first son, Thomas, and 39 when I had Hugo, my second. Being ready for kids, for me, had a lot to do with moving continents.
I had always wanted to move to America, and I finally came here when I was 35, with my husband Peter Godwin (although we didn’t get married until later). My husband is an author, so he was mobile, and I was posted to New York by the Guardian. I think I’d been subconsciously waiting for that before we had kids. Once I got to the U.S., and I realized we weren’t going to go back to Britain, I was ready to commit to starting a bigger life here. If you’re in journalism, the U.S., and New York City in particular, is an exciting place to work.
But the timing of the actual baby wasn’t ideal for my career. Nine months after the Guardian sent me to New York, I got pregnant. And then, in fact, I ended up moving jobs, from the Guardian to the Times of London.
Having young kids is such an intense experience, and I would hate to be prescriptive for other people. But, based on my own experience, here are a few lessons I think young parents should know.
Counterintuitively, pregnancy can be a great time to switch jobs
I started new jobs when I was significantly pregnant with each of my sons. I expected employers to be turned off by that, but they weren’t. The surge of being pregnant gave me optimism and energy to start something new. The first time, I had Thomas just after moving from the Guardian to the Times. And it was a really exciting time — to be finishing a book, and to have a baby and a new job, too.
I was still working at the Times a few years later, when I got pregnant with Hugo, and then I decided to move to New York magazine as an editor there. I started that job two months before I was due to have Hugo — so I was seven months pregnant. It was a good time to make the change to magazines from papers, because I didn’t think I could travel at the drop of a hat anymore once I had Hugo.
Don’t feel pressured to take a certain amount of parental leave
When I had Thomas, I was three months into a new job; I was writing a weekly column; and Peter and I were trying to finish a book we were working on, The Three of Us. So I didn’t take very much time off after the birth — under three weeks. After having Thomas, I wasn’t nearly as tired as everybody told me I was going to be!
It was the second child that felled me. With my second maternity leave, I was much more tired. I took the full three months. The late stages of my pregnancy with Hugo coincided with the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. So it was a very emotional time to be in the city.
I had a new job, 9/11 happened, I was due to give birth, and everything felt really, really heightened. That’s when Peter and I ended up getting married — after 9/11, and just before Hugo was born. We felt we needed to have our documents in order. We were in the process of getting Green Cards when Hugo was born, and I got my citizenship in 2010.
Over my second leave, I was really excited to have the rest! And I wanted to spend time with both children. It was just fun to be with them, as a family, so the longer leave was wonderful.
Think laterally about the help you need
The best thing we did when we had our first baby was to hire a part-time chef. I never wanted a baby nurse. At points of stress in our lives, we’ve always hired someone to cook for us. We hate cooking, and I often, at least these days, get home too late to cook, but we know we need to eat well.
Appreciate your family
The thing I most regretted about our experience as parents was not having family around. We didn’t have anyone that we could fall back on — no grandparents in the same country, and my sole cousin in the States was living in L.A. We had literally no family here.
It’s really important to have a big support network. If you’ve got family, and you’re considering having kids, now’s a good time to reconnect, whether or not they’re nearby. Don’t be too proud to ask for help; in our case, there just weren’t that many people we could ask. I had a whole group of friends pregnant at the same time; but Peter’s and my parents were 3,000 miles away. My friends had family they could fall back on, and that was the thing I was envious of. We didn’t have parents we could go to for Sunday lunch, or who could take the baby for the night.
Find a job where you can manage your own schedule
It’s incredibly important to find a work situation where you can do this. The biggest stress for me at New York magazine was when I was a middle-of-the-pack editor, and I had no control over my own schedule. It’s much easier being in charge. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand taught me that — I asked her, “How could you be a Senator with young kids?” And she said it was all about having the most control over her own time. It was a revelation for me that being in charge was easier. I could command my own schedule, within reason. The bigger the job, the more support you have. It’s not something anyone tells you.
As much as possible, share the parenting
Peter and I never had explicit conversations of this nature before we had kids; it’s hard to imagine what having a child is like before you’ve actually had one. But he was very hands-on from the start. He spent the first night in the hospital with me after we had Thomas, at St. Luke’s Roosevelt in New York. They brought in a second bed for Peter, and Thomas slept with him.
Peter and I have passed the baton back and forth over who’s had the dominant parenting role; he’s more than up for it. It may have helped that we had boys. As male teenagers, they relate more to him now than they do to me. What they really need is an engaged parent. But going from one to multiple children is really the game-changer. I remember my interview at More magazine. Peggy Northrop, the editor-in-chief, and I were having a very frank conversation about working and children. She asked what my career plans were, and I said I thought maybe I should go down to three days a week, write more, and do another book. She said, “Don’t be ridiculous. You’ll never do that. I can tell immediately that would be the wrong decision for you.” And I ended up as her executive editor. I couldn’t have done that without Peter’s help. I had a working mom (a medical social worker) and a working mother-in-law (a doctor), and they were both really engaged in work. Peter was used to having a working mother. It wouldn’t have dawned on me for me not to work.
Be prepared to give up something
The compromise we made as parents is that we didn’t do very much, apart from work and spend time with the kids.
We socialized with people when we could spend time with the kids at the same time. And we socialized only on weekends. We weren’t going to parties, book readings, dinners; it was just, “These have to be our priorities right now.” We didn’t travel much. It felt like life got smaller. But that was OK, because it was fun. I loved spending time with the kids when they were little. It’s exhausting and draining, but I didn’t find it difficult. You lose some of your life — especially if you are used to traveling, which we were — which requires an adjustment.
Get your sleep ahead of time
We never slept. Our older son was always up very early every morning, so we went 18 months without very much sleep. Our second son didn’t seem to sleep at all. That was tough. It took a toll on my face. I look older now — it’s hard not having sleep!
Know that having kids changes how you work
It’s definitely informed how I manage. It would be terrible if Cosmo, a magazine that empowers women, wasn’t a sympathetic working environment. I remember one friend telling me that when her boss walked into the office, she would slam the phone down on her ten-year-old daughter, because he so disapproved of anything to do with families in the office. She couldn’t even say, “Bye, darling.” I found that appalling.
I don’t want people having to invent that they’re feeling sick. I’d much rather them say, “I have to be at the opening day of Kindergarten.” We all have lives.
You want your staff to have a happy home life. It makes them be happier in the office.
Be strategic about any time you take out of the workforce
I have a lot of friends who gave up working completely when they had kids, and found it really difficult to get back in. Some of them are now nowhere near would they have been had they continued working.
Sometimes, you end up having a child when your job is plateauing, so having a baby gives you a reason to look at your career, think, “Hm, it’s not going as I planned,” and take a break. It’s harder to get back in than people think.
I saw a lot of friends — in all fields, from banking to journalism to marketing — who were really fed up with work anyway, use having a baby as a reason not to go back. A lot of them were in reasonably high-powered jobs, but in that sort of midlevel where they hadn’t quite broken out.
You end up, often, having a baby before you hit your stride professionally. And then the exhaustion of having a young family, and being caught up in this sort of frustrating workplace, is a double-whammy. I saw a lot of people leave without an on-ramp. If you’re serious about having a career, and you can muscle through when your kids are young, I think it’s easier in the long run.
Remember: it gets easier
I’ve never felt guilty about being a working mother, and my children are very clear that they are my number-one priority. They’ve been to the office, and they know if they call me here, I will always answer. Both Peter and I grew up going to our mothers’ offices. I had a working mother, and I’m lucky to have a partner with a flexible schedule. If they end up in jail one day, I may feel differently! And now that my kids are older, they’re much more independent. They organize their own lives to some extent, and they are much more capable of looking after themselves. From the age of 12 onwards, you have a different relationship. You need to be around in a different way.
I have no advice for anyone, other than embrace the chaos!
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