Notes to my younger self
…and to those starting out as working parents
I always wish I had a road map for how to navigate my life as a parent and a producer, but in truth, it’s a lot of trial and error. You learn as you go what works for you and your family, but this is the list I wish I had…
Don’t hide the fact that your life is complicated.
You’re juggling a career and parenthood- it’s going to be messy! For years, I was hesitant to admit all I was juggling to anyone, especially my boss at the time, FRONTLINE founder David Fanning. Finally one morning (I must have looked especially tired) he asked me what I had been up to that morning. Once I shared all I had done before work, it led to a much more honest conversation about all I was managing besides my job. I always say, one way to connect with a working mother is to ask her what she has done before work that day!
Think ahead about maternity leave.
Find out what the policy is where you work. Make sure to ask all the important (and sometimes awkward) questions, even if it’s years ahead of wanting to have children. For my second child I was surprised to find there was limited paid maternity leave where I worked at the time. That reality really changed my plans for how long I could stay home with my daughter, Mira. I just assumed there would be, so never assume anything!
Leave work on time so you can be home to have dinner with your kids and put them to sleep.
I have learned over time that this is the best thing to do for my family, even though most evenings I still find myself having to finish up work on my computer after they go to bed…
Listen to your gut on all things mothering.
My husband and I have lived through two very intense health situations with our children. My pediatrician (now former) missed both of these issues which turned out to be very serious.
The first was my daughter Mira. We knew something wasn’t quite right as she wasn’t babbling or verbally interacting by the time she was almost one. After many months of being told that she was on target, a specialist discovered she had a small separation in her palate. After surgery, things changed dramatically for Mira — she made sounds, and then words, and then sentences. Now she is a very chatty 6-year-old.
For my son, in some ways it was even scarier. When he was six, he developed a pain so severe he couldn’t walk. Numerous doctors told us it was just a spider bite, but we knew it had to be something more serious. Finally, after many trips to our pediatrician’s office, we decided to go to the emergency room where he was diagnosed with something very serious — rheumatic fever. He spent the next year building back his strength and recuperating, and still to this day we work on his physical strength. In both cases, we followed our instincts and sought solutions as we just knew things were not right.
Talk with your nanny or child care provider.
Then keep talking. Communication is the key and I learned to do a weekly half hour check in to make sure we’re on the same page. No matter how busy I might get, keeping this channel of communication open and active is a priority.
Don’t apologize to coworkers for being a parent.
Often I need to fit many meetings into short business trips because I’d rather not be away from my kids overnight. As a younger parent, I would find myself apologizing rather than just owning that was what was needed to make my work/life balance work for me and my children.
Don’t apologize to your children for working.
A man never apologizes for the fact that he has to work. He might say — “hey, I am so sorry my hours were long today,” but he’d never feel he has to explain the very fact that he has a career. Once I stopped apologizing I noticed both my kids also stopped complaining and asking me “why” I worked. Of course they still express missing me in our time apart (as do I!) and we come up with ways to spend more quality time together.
Listen to your boss when he/she says it’s okay to take time off.
After I had my second baby, Mira, I was still working as hard as ever — all with a new infant to look after. David told me I should consider taking off Friday mornings. Despite his urging, I just couldn’t figure out how to take the time off and manage my work load. Looking back, I can see there were ways to make this happen and take him up on his generous offer — in fact, it’s one of my biggest regrets.
If you’re a boss, be a role model
As intense as our work is, I try my hardest to live my life so that people in my office feel they can work at FRONTLINE and be parents if they choose to. This goes for the men as well. One of our senior team members asked if she could work home one day a week to make her life more manageable, and I said yes right away as I understood she needed it. I also trusted that she would get the job done, and I’ve been right about that — she’s one of our most productive members of our senior team.
Put your phone down. Right now.
This a note to my younger, current, and future self. I haven’t figured out my boundaries with work on a regular basis yet, but whenever I do I feel much better.
Medium is convening a conversation about work, parenthood, and how the two mesh — or don’t — in our lives. To get involved, please follow the Working Parents publication and the tag, and help us expand the dialogue by writing a post or a response.
