On Being a Working Parent: The Struggle Is Real
In that golden hour of morning when the sun gently peaks through the windows easing you into the day, my wife sat by my side in bed quietly nursing our 6 week old son. She laid him down next to me and I pulled him in close, nestling his warm, soft face into my bare chest. I could hear and feel his every breath. Quick, cute little breaths — not struggling or overexcited — just completely content. As I listened to the sounds of my wife making waffles in the kitchen the next room over, I couldn’t help but feel like there was nowhere I’d rather be, and that this right here — cuddling and bonding with my newborn son in this precious moment — was the best possible thing I could be doing with my time. I let the sentiment wash over me as I tried to keep my mind still and my thoughts right there in the moment. But as so often is the case, my thoughts soon turned to work. I fought them — “no, stay here” — but eventually I was thinking about emails, meetings, decks and follow-ups. And here lies the constant struggle, the divisive pull of being a working parent.
I work at a fast-paced, high intensity startup that demands long hours and late nights, and sometimes as I sit at my desk poring over emails at 9pm, imagining my wife bathing our son and reading him a book, I can’t help but feel like an absent father. I’m trying to find a balance between working the hours that my job requires but also being there with my son as much as possible. Part of finding that harmony lies in making my home hours count — not being on my phone the whole time, ignoring work emails, and generally just being present in the moment. There’s no question in my mind that there is no time better spent than with my family, but providing for them through my work is a commitment that often feels at odds with the former. Since my son came into the picture, I have become more acutely aware of how each hour of my day is spent and how important it is to be accountable for where I spend my time.
After my wife had our son, my work allowed me two and a half amazing weeks to be with my family. Though the lack of sleep made it feel like one long day, it was a beautiful time that brought me closer to my wife than I’ve ever felt as we helped our new son assimilate to the world and learn to trust us. As great as it was, I was actually excited to get back to work, because I had left at a time when things were going pretty well. I had recently brought in an account that was generating a good deal of revenue for my company, and I wanted to continue to shepherd that partnership and see if I could replicate the success. The first feeling I had when I sat back down at my desk was a renewed sense of motivation. It was different than that feeling you get after coming back from a leisurely vacation and you’re glad to be a productive, contributing member of society again (the couple weeks after your baby is born are far from a vacation). The renewed motivation I felt was directly tied to my son, my growing family, and the feeling that they need me here — typing these emails, setting up meetings, creating decks — to make the money we need to have a comfortable life. I have never felt the desire to provide as strongly as I did once I returned to work after the birth of my son. The act of providing felt like less of a chore and more of an honor.
The truth is, “work productive” and “family productive” are two very different things. Productivity at work has clear goals, action items, and timelines. Productivity at home is a bit slower, amorphous, and more difficult to define. Sometimes, the most productive thing I can do at home is just bounce and rock my son for however long it takes to get him to close his eyes. Often though, it’s just about being there — not what I say or do, but just being present. It can be difficult to see measurable results from these small seemingly insignificant moments, but that doesn’t mean they are any less important. I loved the part in the movie Up when the boy scout character Russell describes sitting with his dad eating ice cream: “We’d sit on this one curb, right outside, and I’ll count all the blue cars and he counts all the red ones, and whoever gets the most, wins. I like that curb. That might sound boring, but I think the boring stuff is the stuff I remember the most.” I remember taking snowboarding day trips to Tahoe with my dad growing up. Honestly, all these years the memories of those trips that stick with me most vividly are just sitting in the car with him listening to music on the drive up and back.
Having been a dad for barely over a month, I am far from an expert on any of this, but my two learnings so far are to make the hours I am home count and that productivity at home can’t be measured the same way as it can at work. Embracing that renewed sense of motivation to work hard to provide while also giving your family the time and attention they deserve is a difficult balancing act, but I’m enjoying the fun and sometimes frustrating journey one day at a time.
