An Open Letter to Johns
By Nikki Bell
Dear John,
You told me I was nothing but a dirty, filthy whore.
That you owned my body and I’d never be anything more.
So I walked these lonely streets broken, alone, and afraid.
My value as a woman determined by how much I was paid.
I cannot even recall most of my buyers I have buried them so deep within my mind,
I’m too afraid to unearth them, terrified of what I will find.
I did whatever it took and I became whoever you wanted me to be.
I disguised all my fear and I portrayed only what you wanted to see.
The reality was, I thought that I was broken beyond repair.
You had me convinced I was all alone but I had a family who really did care.
So as you abused me, my father was laying awake with worry at night.
As you violated his little girl my father was praying I was alright.
I wasn’t all right, each time you touched me my soul died a little more inside.
I used as I tried to forget you, I used, I used, I used, how I tried.
So this woman you helped to nearly destroy has something she needs you to hear.
You broke her spirit, destroyed her relationship, she trembles when her husband comes near.
She equates her body with money, for her sex no longer involves love.
She disassociated while with you as you attacked her body her spirit soared above.
Each day still a struggle to reunite her body back with her heart,
She thinks you should know you helped to tear her apart.
Prostitution, a victimless crime? I hope you no longer think that to be true.
Your actions have consequences be careful of what and whom you do…
Nikki Bell is the founder and director of Living in Freedom Together (LIFT), a survivor led agency dedicated to supporting survivors of CSE and trafficking. She is an alumna of “The Stories We Tell,” The Voices and Faces Project’s two-day testimonial writing program for survivors of gender-based violence or other human rights violations.
