My Official Application for the Position of Executioner In Saudi Arabia
To Whom In Saudi Arabia It May Concern,
My name is Brent Goldman. I’m currently a copywriter at Tribal Worldwide, an advertising agency based in New York City. While perusing the Interwebs casually at work today, I read an article saying that you guys are looking for eight new executioners. Needless to say, my eyes lit up to the same extent I image someone’s eyes fade away after you behead them.
First off, I am very encouraged by the rapid growth in business you guys have shown over the past 15+ months. That kind of expansion is unprecedented in my industry, and I have always had the start-up kind of mentality. Even if the field is a little medieval and outdated. The best part? You have no competition.
And if someone tries to compete, you just behead them. It’s like you’re printing money! I want in.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. While my last name gives away my Jewish heritage, I am willing to overlook our peoples’ past if you are. Despite century old hatred of each other, there is a job to be done. I am all business. And I’ll work on Christmas.
Admittedly, I have little to no experience in beheadings. That is, unless you count eating Animal Crackers and Goldfish head first.
Do you guys have those? If not, I’ll bring them to my interview. I also have never handled a sword, especially not one of the quality I assume used in decapitation. I do have a lot of experience with the tiny swords they put through fruit at Chinese restaurants. Also, I recently started cooking, and I’m pretty good with knives (not as good with the peeler — especially on the little potatoes).
What separates me from the countless number of applications you are no doubt receiving? First off, I come from a field that’s all about image. Our job is to make brands cool. And that’s what I plan to do with beheadings — a total rebrand for the modern age.
You want them trending on Twitter? Done. What’s that? You don’t have Twitter? Or the Internet? Okay, grassroots viral campaign it is.
I also bring levity to what I imagine is a very dark and dreary field. A positive attitude makes the workplace a brighter (red), right? You need a well-timed pun? I’m as sharp as the ol’ guillotine. You know those cheesy CSI lines that cut into commercial breaks? You don’t have CBS? Well check it out on YouTube. I can do stuff like that. Attached, you’ll find my resume and references.
Also, a few quick questions about the position.
What is your dress code like? Shorts and sandals ok? I’m used to something pretty casual.
What is the company culture like? Do you guys go on group outings to the beach often?
After each execution, can I do a little dance like a wide receiver after they score? Or, is that considered in poor taste?
Do I have to sharpen my own sword, or do you guys have someone else who does that?
Is it okay if I moonlight doing circumcisions?
How closely will I work with the other seven executioners? Are there many chances to collaborate on projects?
Will I be getting summer interns?
I see intial pay is entry level, but I was hoping you’d be able to tell me about the potential for growth should I join the team.
Thanks and have a great weekend! Enjoy the sunshine.
Brent Goldman
Editor’s note: Public executions in Saudi Arabia have seen an unprecedented spike this year and have since surpassed the total of 2014 at the date of this article(26 June 2015. There has been concern that the executions have been carried out amidst trials that have been conducted unfairly, as highlighted by The Guardian.
