Louis CK’s 5 Best Places to Masturbate
The comedian sits down with Time Out New York and tells us his favourite places in the city to rub out a quick one.
- Riverside Park, SW Entrance — Free. Best for: A quickie
As I get older, it’s not as easy to reach the point of satisfaction in a shortened period of time. The great thing about Riverside Park is that it’s close to my home, yet public enough to give me a sense of a thrill. It also gets me out the house, and some fresh (city) air. When it gets really chilly, it becomes more of a challenge. There’s a bonus too — you also have a never ending stream of joggers in the summer, and the joy of them catching a glimpse of you but running fast enough to not be sure what they’ve seen. Just thinking of that look of realisation is getting me hard right now. Open 24 hours, 365 days a year.
2. 50 Bowery Hotel, Bowery and Canal St Best for: Prolonged satisfaction
It’s the perfect place to luxuriate and really go to town while the views of the bridges symbolise escape to my ‘captive’ audience. Plus it’s right next to Chinatown so I can go grab pork buns from Mei Li Wah after. Rooms from $172+ Mei Li Wah — 64 Bayard St, Canal St, J,Z Open 7AM-10.30PM, 7 days a week
3. Inwood Marsh — Dyckman St, Hudson River Best for: A marathon
I got stuck there on low tide a few years ago with my kids, and it was just full of assholes taking photos of me and putting them on Twitter. I’d like to go back, run aground, and just f*ck the air for a few hours to show everyone that if you’re a d*ck to me, I’ll just show you mine. I’ll leave the girls at home next time. See NYC Parks website for event details and opening times
4. Comedy Cellar — 117 Macdougal Street Best for: Being pink and proud
My home away from home. Got a spare hour, I like to hop down there on the train, drop a set. The dressing room is grotty, but that’s just how I like it. It’s like a pre show ritual. It’s even better if they’ve got a newbie doing a set and they have to share the dressing room with you. W4 Street, A,B,C,D,E,F,M. Open 11AM — 2AM, 7 days a week
5. Waverly Restaurant — Corner of Waverly and 6th Ave Best for: Winding down
My usual spot Hudson Diner closed last year, so if I’ve done a spot at Comedy Cellar and I’m feeling hungry I’ll swing by here before going back uptown. Can’t do greasy diner food anymore, so I’ll usually do a fruit salad, maybe some cottage cheese. You know that bit in Girls Trip where they get a grapefruit? I order half a grapefruit and think about doing that as I get my last one in for the night. Then I’ll hop on the D back home, as the B service is done then. W4 Street, A,B,C,D,E,F,M. Open 24 Hours, 7 Days a Week
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