A study in gratitude
As I turned 28 last week, I celebrated it with a dinner, a short burlesque show, a crazy night out in a gay club, a lot of boozing and going a tiny bit wild (because I can). Now it is time to sober up and reflect on those 28 years I’ve had so far.
I had a hard time identifying where to begin this reflection though, given I haven’t done any for nearly 10 years now. Eventually, I decided that it’s time I started a blog again to help myself focus on things that matter.
More often than not the challenges we face as we carry on with our lives have the power to bring us down. Failures, fears of failures and learnt helplessness are the monsters we fight every time we do something new or something that matters. Getting shit done can be tough, especially when you’re right in the middle of things going wrong. And you know, things always go wrong.
One of the strategies we developed to pull through when we discover that the light at the end of the tunnel was, in fact, the headlight of an oncoming train is moaning. We just love to moan to our colleagues, friends, and family.
I’m so guilty of moaning about the hardships of life myself; I’m always the first to moan when I’m out of control and ‘life is unfair’ situation.
Well, yes, it is. Life is not fair and it often makes us feel we’ve been left out of what we deserve.
I’ve been going through a massive and rather painful life transformation for the past year and a half. Amongst other things, it makes me question the whole concept of ‘fairness’, to be honest. So I’ve decided it’s a good idea to take a look at my life and, in all this mess, identify the things I should be and am grateful for.
I’m doing it not only because mindfulness is such a big hit these days. As unfair as life can be to us (footnote: ‘us’ — privileged dwellers of developed countries), there are plenty of things we must recognise we’ve been blessed with, as it helps us to forgive those that, we think, mistreated us and let go of the past.
Just let. It. Go.
mother!
I’m grateful for everything my mother did to raise me a well-rounded and good person. Even if you know me and think that I’m not exactly the former or the latter, please, know that my mother did her best and all the good stuff in me is from her.
I was born in 1990 in a small town of Zagorsk, USSR. My mother was an engineer in a town-forming enterprise and my father was nowhere to be seen. In 1991, the authoritarian state of Soviet Union died in agony while in labour with a new free state of glasnost and market economy. The creature that was eventually born — the New Russia — threw the majority of the country’s population in poverty and was remarkable for a severe lack of respect for human life and civil rights (still is).
Lulling me, my mother was watching the country plummeting. The enterprise stopped paying salaries as the state stopped pouring money into it. The whole period of the 1990s was filled with mistreatment and fear for those who once were the country’s ‘middle class’.
I am grateful for my mum not giving up and doing the best a single mother with no means could do to bring me up.
She ensured I was neatly and nicely dressed — she sewed extremely cute dresses for me for years. I still wear some of the things she sewed for me.
She made sure I got a very good education. I entered the top university in Russia (or the second best, depends on who you ask), and then I took it from there to be who and what I am now.
Thank you, mum.
Failures
This is the thing we all know we should be grateful for but we rarely can actually feel this way, n’est pas? A failure almost always discourages and makes us doubt our abilities and aspirations. There are tons of failures I still feel rather strongly about and wish I had never done… I had never said… it had never happened. And they say that’s okay. The hardest bit is to believe that that’s okay indeed.
Yet, there are several failures I’m glad have happened as they helped me to become a stronger, better focused, more resilient and compassionate self. They helped me to discover who I can rely on and who I can never depend on (big revelation: anyone). Surprisingly, they even gave me new hopes and dreams.
Misfortunes
Well, that’s a little easier than failures as it’s simpler to break down the lessons learnt from them.
I’m grateful that as a child and teenager I lived in a tiny studio with my mother and, as a student, I lived in an even tinier room with a roommate in the halls of residence. Essentially, I didn’t have my own space until I was in my twenties. Now I am rather mindful of personal space, not only mine.
I’m grateful that being a student I lived on £25,75 per month. Luckily, there was a special someone who would take me out to McDonald’s and KFC every now and again so I didn’t starve, no drama. Now do I value
- all those nice places in London I’ve lived in and will be living in;
- the places I’ve travelled to and will visit one day;
- all the pretty little things I decorate my home with,
- and the diet I can afford including clean water (infused with watermelon, of course).
I’m grateful for the fact that I know what a real modest living looks like as it helps me to appreciate the things I have now. I have a lot. And I think since you’re here on Medium — you do, too.
Health
I’m still learning to like and accept my body, but I’m very appreciative that it lets me know when things are not okay. Despite all the health issues I’ve had so far, including the birth trauma, I realise that I am healthy and strong.
We often think that our bodies let us down by getting sick and weak whereas, in reality, it’s vice versa — we let our bodies down by taking them for granted. It’s not that I’m not guilty of destructive behaviours from time to time. I drink a few too many drinks quite often, I don’t work out properly and I just love an occasional unhealthy meal or a junk snack. But I’m becoming more and more aware of how much being healthy matters. I can problem solve and live the life I want to as long as I am healthy. And so can you.
People
I’m grateful for those people who come to my life or let me in their lives and make a difference. Those who put a smile on my face. Those who made fun of me. Those who get shit done at work with me. Those who become my drinking buddies. Those who have been my confidants and kept my secrets. Those who learnt something from me. Those who taught me a lot. Those who pushed me and challenged me, letting me become better, or just different. Those who said ‘Fuck it!’ and ‘You deserve it!’ and kept reminding me that I’m still alive and young, and life is going on. Those who didn’t give up on me despite the time and space between us.
Thank you all.
And what are you grateful for today?
