An Unhealthy Amount of Repeats
Billie Eilish’s best song was featured in Barbie, won an Oscar, and was streamed over 30.9 million times on Spotify alone. The popularity of this song is not to be questioned, it’s a beautiful song trailed with humming and soft tones. Then we meet the lyrics, the lyrics that intend to make our eyes tear up with their melancholic tone.
This song was released on July 13th, 2023. I was almost three months pregnant by this time, excited and nervous for the arrival of my son. I planned baby showers, and gender reveals, and made plans to go to school throughout my pregnancy. It wasn’t until I was rushed to the hospital on August 26th, 2023, that all my fears and anxieties came to life. I lost my son in the fourth month of my pregnancy.
During my recovery, I spent long hours trying to figure out whether I could move on with my life and whether or not I had the strength to keep getting up every morning. I heard Billie’s song before and thought it was good, but I didn’t know it could be so relatable until I heard it after my pregnancy. I felt angry and resentful of the fact that I could not do what women are supposed to be able to do. The lyrics that struck a chord with me are: What was I made for?/ cause I, Cause I/ I don’t know how to feel/ but I wanna try.” In all honesty, this song was on repeat for an unhealthy amount of time. The song helped, I had to resume my life after two weeks of physical healing. Emotionally? Haven’t healed, but resuming my life made everything feel numb. Every time I heard this song it made me feel everything I faked not feeling. I’m thankful for the outlet.
