Not Cut From The Same Cloth

The typical Italian family has been shown and has gained the stereotype of a family of tan often heavier people who are very integrated into each other’s lives. A family where the mother figures cook more food than needed at the dinner table that is usually made up of many loud people conversing with nothing but hand gestures. A family that will only accept cappuccinos in the morning and wine at the dinner table. A family where the parental figures have much jurisdiction over their children. This is my family described to an exact point, a very traditional but unified Italian family. My great grandmother and her husband on my mom’s side migrated from Rome when they were only 19 years old.

My actual grandmother is one of 14 children and most of the family is still present in my home of Rhode Island which is very small, to begin with. Besides looking out for family the thing they can not seem to stress enough is religion, and as most people can guess, yes my family is very Roman Catholic. They thrive off the principles that marriage and family are the essential establishments in life. That we need to always look at for those less fortunate than us because we are all children of the higher power God.

My last name is very well known in the small community I grew up in. With my large family has come many of my family members being deeply engaged in the business nature of the minuscule environment we reside in. My uncle’s own restaurants, my cousins own laundry mats, even my grandmother has her own sewing shop. Even though my family life was filled with nothing but constant support and love it also brought some backlash. In middle school, some kids would constantly treat me differently because of my family dynamic. I would be called things like “greaseball,” or asked how many of my family members have killed someone because they were in the mafia. Others would buy me hair gel and make a scene when giving it to me saying things like “Now you’ll fit in with your greasy family.”

Going through that at school and then coming home to my very strict parents where everything was on a schedule was hard but it never broke me. I almost gained the mindset that all the hate was going to make me stronger. I never had a problem with all the negative energy both from my peers and strict family until the day my sister came out as a lesbian.

So let me paint a picture in your mind. My family just on my mother’s side is made up of over a hundred members who are still alive. I have over 60 cousins who live at most an hour away from us. Within my immediate family, I have my parents and my two sisters. My older sister was always the star child. She was the expectation I and my younger sister had to live up to and if we didn’t meet those standards my parents would inflict punishment. Out of my whole family, there is not one person who is homosexual or has come out and said it anyway. My sister at 14 was the first one to admit to my very extensive family she indeed was a lesbian and she has known it her whole life. My family is very loving, assisting, and enjoy having a good time but we have a structure we follow. A structure of rules and morals that falls under the principles of older generations but has been passed down through my own mother.

In Catholicism homosexuality is not as major as a cardinal sin but is frowned upon. Catholics believe in getting united through God in marriage and having their own children, but the same sex can not produce their own offspring. My family was shocked when they heard this. They never looked at my sister in the same light again. They become very dismissive of her to the point where my parents wanted to send her to boarding school. The mindset became if she wants to live her life that way then the support was gone, she was living a different lifestyle and had to figure it out for herself.

The first of November is All Saints Day and it is very dear to the heart of my family. We have dinner in the grandmother’s yard with one long series of tables that hold over 100 people. The first All Saints Day after my sister’s confession she was put by herself on the other side of the yard. “Well, you do not follow what the saints and our religion stood for so you’re not taking part.” Very authoritarian way of living right? After she was done with dinner she went home and locked herself in her room for three days. Three actual whole days and I was the only one who cared as my parents did not pay attention to what they thought was a pity. From that day on my sister’s life and mine changed. When word got out about how my sister missed school because she was a lesbian and locked herself in her room, it had negative effects for me as well. My sister and I took the same car to high school, a high school that was very small where drama circulated quickly.

A couple of days after kids found out they spray painted our car in my own driveway with a very discriminative message. One side said “faggot,” and the other said, “your parents must hate you both.” The front windshield had two male genitals pointed at each other and said “this doesn’t work.” Obviously as high school students we instantly sought help from our parents. They responded little to my surprise with no sympathy at all. “High school is where everyone gets on each other’s nerves, can you go wash the car off please.” They cared more about the car then our actual feelings, especially my sisters because it was mainly directed at her.

In the text Claiming an Education by Adrienne Rich, she writes “Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts; hence, grappling with hard work.”(3). I was not going to be influenced by my parent's way of thinking and what they thought was right. I was going to grow up and take charge. Responsibility is something very important you try to teach your kids but it also comes on your own time, and now this was my responsibility. I told myself I needed to make a change, I needed to make people accept who she was.

So what did I know about the mindset of people like my sister who recently came out or anything having to do with the LGBT community? Absolutely nothing because it was never a priority to me. The first thing I did was educate myself on statistics. I would come home from sports practice after school, do my homework, eat dinner, and then “go to bed early.” Although what nobody knew, not even my sister, I was researching articles on the subject for my junior term paper and for other personal reasons. It was something I needed to educate myself about, to help my younger sister truly feel alone for a long period of time. Every year the junior class for the last month of school has to read their term paper to the whole school about something they are passionate about.

My mentality was that I was going to change the minds of certain peers within my school, not for just my sister but so they did not hold that ignorance within them for future years. I started to read first-hand accounts of LGBT citizens and gain statistics about crimes and through surveys. Information like 42% of people who are LGBT live in an environment where people show prejudice and 80% of gay and lesbian youth practice severe social isolation. (1). I found many recent laws passed that protected homosexuals like the Matthew Shepard Act, prohibiting hate crimes based on both sexual orientations. Or the lifting of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” policy which kept homosexuals quiet about their sexuality in the armed forces. Even with these laws, there were hundreds of articles talking about personal accounts of hate crimes and discrimination still present today. The more I read the more I knew I needed to preach my feelings even more.

I wrote a very powerful and personal paper that I was going to present. I knew that I needed to deliver a performance rather than a speech in order to get through to my peers. I needed to get them to feel for me and relate to them, to deliver my message forcefully and energetically while yearning a little sympathy. I practiced for weeks before the big day and I knew I was ready. On the day of the speech, I delivered it perfectly and in the end, I vigorously roared “who is with me,” in regard to ending negative bias against homosexuals. I got a few claps from teachers, some people looking directly at my sinister but more laughs than anything, nothing was going to change. Although I did not give up on my goal.

In Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Freire, he talks about how oppressed people will not fight back until they know that a majority of their communities are with them. How they fear an authentic existence but know that if they do not beat oppression they can not “exist authentically.”(2). I knew deep down there were kids in my school who felt the way I did or were even homosexual but were too afraid to speak up. Too frightened because the majority of kids would not accept them. They were these oppressed people and they needed to know they were not alone.

Before any major outreach from my part happened I needed more information. Do you know that 60 percent of youth that is a part of the LGBT community feel uncomfortable on a daily basis at school? (1) With more than half of these children feeling insecure about who they really are stems from something. That something is our generation looking down upon them. Over 90 percent of adults who have already opened up about their sexuality say in the past decade they feel that society has become more accepting of their situation. (1). Although they still feel every day that they will get looked at differently for being “distinct from normal society.” It seems that if people like my sister do not feel comfortable from a younger age it will stick with them even into their adult lives. So how as a society do we overcome this?

The first step in my solution for the issue was sending out an email blast to my whole school a couple of weeks after my speech from an anonymous email saying “If you are gay, lesbian, or just even want to talk about it, email us back for more details.” Within a couple of days, we had almost 15 kids email us back for different reasons. I could talk about what happens next forever but we started a secret club within our school that eventually grew to other schools and my sister and I was the founders. A club that met in the back of my uncle’s resultant once a month to talk about how being gay or lesbian feels and the hardships that come with it. It started as a safe place for people to tell their stories, ask advice, and feel comfortable.

As we got to know each other better and added more members it became a hangout, a fortress with no hate and right freedom to be whoever you wanted to be. I realized that I was speaking too big of an audience when I first put these ideas out there. I didn’t need to change the minds of many people, I needed to make a difference. I created a protected place where people could speak freely about who they truly are, a place where no one interrupts anyone and no information leaves the room. My own parents even caved after months of asking them to come. They came and only after one meeting they understood what their own daughter was going through. Them watching teenagers cry over not being supported and losing things like their best friends because of their sexuality tore at their heartstrings strings.

Reading this piece should inform you that coming out about your homosexuality is harder then you think especially from a young age. We have politicians like Trump who have said things like “I am a traditionalist, you know my views on the matter,” when talking about the matter. We have youth who are heavily influenced by social media where you see people pranking LGBT members for comedy. Earlier generations are being influenced by mainstream media and “societal norms” resulting in various forms of negative action toward LGBT youth. A fourth of kids who come out in high school are bullied at school and a third over the internet. Fifteen percent of these kids were harmed with a weapon or their personal stuff was violated like my sister’s car at our high school. (4). You can see why so many kids keep what they think to be a big secret inside when it should not even be a secret at all.

How can we deal with this? Kids like my sister want to come out but how can they when they feel as if their own parents won't even support them. It starts at home because that is where kids feel the safest. Eight out of every ten children under 18 who introduce their homosexuality for the first time do it to their siblings or parents. (1). A study shows that “LGBT young adults whose parents and foster parents support them have better overall health, and mental health.” They hold more self-esteem and believe they can be a more productive adult. (5). Also according to the study those who feel most rejected by their family members are 30 percent more likely to leave their homes, start to abuse drugs or end up in juvenile protection programs. (5). They are eight times more likely to commit suicide and six times more likely to gain major depression. (1). How are young minds supposed to comprehend how to love themselves if the closest people in their lives don’t accept them?

It starts within your everyday household and then translates to school. If anything can be taken away from these facts it is that we need more support systems in school. We need family members to allow their kids to grow and not punish them for being who they truly are. If you are confused by it then ask questions, a majority of the LGBT community says they would be open to accepting hard questions. (1). Be there for your child, be there for your friend. Stick up for your loved ones and make them feel normal.

My sister told me that if I had not stuck up for her she was going to run away or even had thoughts of killing herself. My club allowed one of my best friends to admit he was gay and he said he would never have done it otherwise until much later in his life. One of my pledge brothers in my fraternity came out as gay and I helped made him feel comfortable. I told my fellow brothers to support him and not shy away from him. Actions speak louder than words so be eager to help those going through this specific struggle.

Even though my parents possibly did not accept it they now showed more support than I ever saw when my at school club grew. I found that this club I created had a purpose, this was a personal identity of mine. My sister came home happier and more confident than she ever had before and that resonated with my parents. When I looked in the mirror and asked “Who am I?” I would tell you that part of me was helping gay and lesbian youth feel comfortable in their own skin. The main core of kids is still very connected to my sister and me even today and I would not give our secret “Not cut from the same cloth,” club up for the world.

Bibliography -

1. Marzullo, Michelle. “Hate Crimes and Violence Against LGBTQ People.” Human Rights Campaign, 2009, www.hrc.org/resources/hate-crimes-and-violence-against-lgbt-people
2. Freire, Paulo. Pedagogy of the Oppressed. The Seabury Press, 1970.
3. Rich, Adrienne. “Claiming an Education .” 1977.
4. “LGBT Youth.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 21 June 2017, www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/youth.htm.
5. Ryan, Caitlyn. “Helping Families Support Their Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) Children.” Familybrief.com, 2018, nccc.georgetown.edu/documents/LGBT_Brief.pdf.