Dear Self (Letter 10)
Dear Self,
How are people born lucky?
Sometimes, I wonder how people are born lucky. Like red carpet laid out ready, the moment they land on earth.
I once shared a beautiful friendship with a person I knew for a decade and believe me a decade is a lot. You see them grow, they hold a piece of your heart and you make memories throughout.
In all those times I knew her. I only wondered about one thing and one thing only.
How is she so lucky?
Name one thing and she had it all — family, finances, partner, and everything perfect.
I’m well aware of my insecurities seeping out and honestly, I’m not ashamed of admitting that I did feel insecure in her presence. It had nothing to do with her but everything with me.
Each time, I’d look at her. I said — Now, that’s what a God’s child looks like.
She never made me feel small rather I felt loved in her company yet I felt miserable in my head.
It was something about my own life that felt like a dent.
Each time, she would talk about something, I would associate her with God because her life always seemed amazing and mine was anything but amazing.
I have always wondered if God hated me because each time he puts me in a circumstance, I always find myself wounded. Sure, the wisdom that follows the circumstances comes later but the healing takes years.
I’m at a place where tears don’t roll down my cheeks anymore. It’s funny because I remember being ridiculed for sobbing at every stage of my life and when I have finally reached a phase where I don’t cry, it’s like my heart’s frozen.
A couple of days back; I entered a stage where I couldn’t see myself in the mirror because all I saw was a reflection of an exhausted woman.
At that moment, I turned bitter and I resented God and before I knew it, I found myself comparing my life to that of my friend’s.
It was enough to cause a sea storm within me.
In moments like this, I want to practice gratitude but my body resisted or rather I didn’t want to.
It isn’t easy trying to put sense into everything and hoping for him to deliver. I do love God so much but there are days when I do not have anything but hatred.
The past few days have been nothing but dark and I find myself running away from him. I know I’ll eventually run back to him and before I do I hope I come to love myself again.
Hey there!
Thanks for reading.
I’ll see you soon:)
