Divorce, Coffee, and Cognitive Confusion: A Tale of Morning Revelations
I had a moment of clarity today. It happened when a lot of these moments happen, during my first cup of coffee and cigarette on my front porch at about 5 AM. I had been noticing how much I continue to keep my ex-wife and my family in my thoughts during the day. I compared it to what I had heard about the average number of times men think about sex during the course of the day, which is about twenty. I was hoping that I’d be moving past this a little quicker because I had recognized and acknowledged the stages of grief early on and realized that time would be an integral ally in this healing period of my life. I had also accepted her reasoning for what it was, a marriage that was no longer the dreamscape that she wanted it to be.
I still couldn’t help myself though. When I saw other couples together, I was envious. “We could be like them” I thought. I was sure that their marriages hadn’t been all skittles and lollipops but here they were, traveling through life together and sharing in all that life had to offer. When my thoughts traveled here the emotions would resurface. Sadness, regret, shame, etc. It was getting a little tiresome so in my moment of clarity I decided to “flip it” a little bit and remove the emotions from my thinking.
I decided (like all aspiring wordsmiths do these days) to enter some prompts into AI to see what she came up with. I used words like “clinical” and “pragmatic” and was treated to a fairly dry essay on what a therapist might suggest to a guy in my position. This knowledge is pretty convenient because I have my first appointment with a therapist coming up in a few days. I can study the suggestions from AI and encapsulate them into my own words, put them down on paper and impress the therapist with how rapidly I’m recovering from this rocky life event. I’m not sure that I want to do that, however. These techniques and this mindset are, as I said in the title of this piece, easier said than done. Here is a little bit of what was suggested, from a “clinical” standpoint:
“The finality of feelings towards an ex-wife can be understood through the lens of attachment theory and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Attachment theory posits that human beings form deep emotional bonds with significant others, which can influence their behavior and emotional well-being. In the case of divorce, the dissolution of this attachment bond can trigger a cascade of emotional responses.
Wait a minute! When you start to “influence my emotional well-being” well that’s just the last straw. One of my goals in life has always been to be ‘well-adjusted and pleasant to be around.’ I was going to have to start getting aggressive with this stuff. Now what the hell is this “cognitive-behavioral theory……
“CBT offers practical strategies for navigating these emotions and promoting psychological resilience. Techniques such as cognitive restructuring help individuals challenge negative thought patterns and reframe their perceptions of the past relationship. Additionally, behavioral interventions, such as exposure therapy, can assist individuals in gradually confronting and processing their feelings of loss.”
O.K. I’m getting this, and I can take solace in knowing that I have been working at and gaining ground on the “reframing” thing. Once I got past the physical part of the loss (almost there😉 ) and realized that we weren’t connecting on any deep levels I came out of that cloud that a lot of men exist in. The idea that this is what a long-term marriage was like. Always thinking that things would eventually get better. More money, empty nest, vacations, etc. would lead to an eventual happy ending.
In conclusion, I guess I’m looking forward to seeing a therapist because Dr. Google hasn’t been able to drill down on the specifics of my particular situation. With regards to some of the AI generated psychobabble (sorry Dr.) I’ve been reading, it is more focused on mental illnesses than just a simple case of a bummed out, newly divorced guy. I’m hoping that with a few more tools and a little more time, things are gonna work out just fine when the dust finally settles.
