How Can We Coach Like Carlo Ancelotti at Home
In an interview last week, The celebrated football manager, Carlo Ancelotti gave a wonderful answer about his coaching approach, which applies equally to parenting. Looking at the coaches who, in the technical box, end up screaming a lot of times, Ancelotti commented:
“Do you think they listen more if you shout? No, the more you shout, the less they listen.”
What makes this statement worth considering — despite its sports-market context — is that it exemplifies a central idea about football, and parenting: both are about helping human beings not only to gain skill, speed, perseverance, and dominance on a field, or in a home, or at a school, but to do so in a way that commands respect, acknowledges limits, and ultimately builds character.
The Pitfalls of Shouting
Here Ancelotti brings to light another essential truth about human communication: shouting often undermines, rather than affirms, effective communication. In the midst of a game, coaches might naturally feel the need for heightened volume to project their authority or correct errors from the sideline. However, this has the consequence of bringing about a communication breakdown, as players can sometimes be overwhelmed by the intensity of the moment. Rather than opening up to coaching input, players might tend to close themselves off and resent any instruction or feedback.
Similarly, when it comes to parenting, yelling at your children can be counterproductive. For instance, research shows that yelling can lead to increased child anxiety, behaviors, and poor child-parent relationships. Similar to how athletes can’t make their flow last, after being yelled at, children become less likely to take in messages from their parents and react positively to instruction expressed in yelling voices. They are more likely to become defiant, fearful, or shut down.
The Power of Calm and Composed Communication
For parents wishing to emulate this managerial masterclass, Ancelotti’s Zen-like coaching style is evidence that good communication, whether on the playing field or not, derives at least in part from the ability to speak to others calmly and with respect. When coaches (and parents) speak at lower volumes, they are heard more clearly — people feel safe, and try to replicate their example.
In a football scenario, talking just like this could enable the coach to seem well-controlled if faced with a challenging situation. Players will be free to experience the consequences of their actions and become more reflective as a result. The instructions, once taken onboard and placed into their immediate experience, will be less prone to the corrosive effects of highly charged emotions and thus more likely to aid their gameplay in a considered way.
Similarly, parents can do this. In doing so, they can model for their children how to regulate their own emotions — and they’ll likely de‑escalate potential conflicts, which also builds children’s skills in emotional regulation. Through calm talking, children learn that they will be heard and understood, increasing the likelihood of their cooperation and willingness to follow directions.
Building Stronger Relationships Through Empathy and Patience
It echoes what I believe to be the key ingredient to successful leadership and parenting: empathy. If you know how to identify with your child’s or player’s thinking, you will frame your advice in a way that makes it relevant and meaningful to them. Your players and children will be more likely to listen if you understand how to reach them.
This approach to professional coaching allows the coach to understand and acknowledge the individual strengths and skill gaps of a player, so that they can tailor their support to the exact needs of that player and build a strong relationship with the player based on trust and mutual respect.
Parents, too, can benefit from this empathetic focus. By paying attention to the emotions and challenges faced by their children, they can support their children in ways that both empower them and help them achieve their goals. Part of being a patient provider is being able to care for your child through a challenge, without getting frustrated, angry, or fed up — allowing your child to develop resilience and confidence.
Conclusion
Carlo Ancelotti’s observations about shouting being an ineffectual way to communicate with players has a pertinent resonance for parents too. Coaches and parents are both in a position in which they must both lead and have empathy for someone in a very difficult position. If communication with those you care for is exerted less through shouting and more through calm, composed, and empathetic respect, the will to please, to learn, and to respect prevails. Calm produces an echo whereas shouting produces a resounding gloomy thud.
