Member-only story
Humor/Satire
How to Build a Thriving Upwork Career and Lose the Will to Live
Living the freelance dream
Finding freelance writing jobs is no easy task, so you’ve decided to join Upwork to try your luck. You’ve officially entered the freelance lottery, where 400 people apply for the same job writing 10,000 words about mulch for $11.
No, that’s not a joke.
Success is technically possible. You just need a high tolerance for nonsense and a deeply unhealthy relationship with hope.
Step 1: Create a Profile That Screams ‘Please Exploit Me’
Start by saying you “love helping brands tell their story.”
Throw in words like reliable, creative, efficient. Pretend you’re thrilled about writing product descriptions for soap or translating someone’s vague business idea into web copy that “pops.”
Add a photo where you’re smiling like someone who hasn’t yet discovered what this site will do to their soul.
Step 2: Pick a Rate You Can Emotionally Justify, Then Cut It in Half
Begin with something bold. Maybe $50 an hour. Then browse the job feed and watch it unravel.
