I Was Told I Was Dying
You Never Know How You’ll React Until You Are Told.
We are all dying; it’s no surprise.
Some, however, are dying faster than others.
Perhaps this was the source of my sudden onset of depression; being told that I was dying towards the beginning of April, possibly at an accelerated speed.
The song “Live Like You Were Dying.” By: Tim McGraw comes to mind.
While the song talks of “living like you were dying” in terms of “living life to the fullest.” Rocky Mountain climbing, sky diving, loving deeper, etc.
I have all but given up.
Things that never bothered me about my life are suddenly burdens that weigh heavy on my heart, and I wonder how I’ve survived my life for as long as I have.
From sexual abuse at a young age to mental/emotional abuse for various things about me, such as being “too girly” or “too emotional,” and I was never allowed to be anything other than happy growing up.
I have anger toward certain family members that I didn’t know was buried deep inside, and I have to remind myself that they are different people now who love and care for my children and myself deeply.
I also have to remind myself that they, too, were dealing with their own form of trauma from their upbringings.
But still, the memories come flooding in at an accelerated pace, and I can feel my anger rise.
I feel anger for the little girl I once was and sadness for her lack of protection.
I want to run to her, hold her in my arms, and let her know she is safe with me.
I want to let her know what is happening to her and how she is being raised to believe is not her fault.
I look at my little girl and am filled with peace, knowing she will not be condemned for the same things I was.
She can express herself in all things girly, however she sees fit.
She is free to wear make-up if she pleases, and frilly clothing.
She has been taught to be proud of her body and all that comes with it.
I, on the other hand, am enraged that it has taken me over thirty years to stand up for my beliefs and speak out loud that there is nothing wrong with feminism, LGBTQIA+, yoga, meditation, etc.
I know that “my tribe” is not here in my hometown. I have known this almost all my life, although it feels like it’s taken me a lifetime to admit it.
I always thought that when the kids were old enough, my husband and I would be free to move and “find our tribe.”
I always thought we had time.
I held onto the belief that this was a good town to raise our children, and I believed the lie that other parts of the world were dangerous or unsuitable for raising a family for one reason or another.
In reality, I now see my family didn’t want to witness a shift in my political beliefs and what they consider to be “sinful.”
My views on life have always seemed different from those of my extended family, and I was often called “independent and stubborn.”
After all, I have always been the “black sheep” of my family. Something I used to think was shameful. Now, I wear it like a badge of honor.
I told myself I was being a good parent and caring for my children first, raising them where I was raised.
Now, all I see are the lies that were imprinted on me were also imprinted on my children, and I can’t help but wonder if I’ve somehow damaged them due to my ignorance.
Had we raised them somewhere else, would they feel less shame and guilt now? Do they feel shame and guilt? Would they tell me if they did?
My heart breaks for them, and I wonder what I might have stolen away from their childhood.
My oldest will be leaving for *Scotland in about a year, and I couldn’t be happier for her.
My only hope is that I’ll be around long enough to prevent various family members from stopping her from seeing it through.
I can see the sorrow in their eyes when they talk about it and hear the fear in their words. I know what they think of me for “letting” her go.
My daughter will be eighteen and old enough to make her own decisions. However, I know the support of a loved one can make all the difference, and I intend to give her as such.
While I cannot tell you what you will experience if you are ever told you have a medical condition that could allow you to drop at any moment, I can tell you that so far, my experience has been a mixture of depression and anger.
I can only hope that one day I will feel at peace, that I will be able to dig myself out of this depression.
I want to learn to live and enjoy the view.
I want to learn to continue living my life and live it to the fullest, just as *Tim McGraw describes in his song.
One day, one step at a time. I will get there.
Thank you to all who took the time to read this. I’d love to know in the comments: What are some emotions you’ve experienced with the onset of bad news or life-altering news?
Feel free to offer some claps of encouragement while you’re at it. XOXO Tammie.
*Tammie is an aspiring health and life coach with a background in the school system. She has worked with kids from preschool through sixth grade and the SPED and library departments. Tammie is currently taking a writing class. She has three kids, two dogs, and one amazing husband. You can often find her sitting on her front porch and watching all the cool kids play in her yard. You can also find her at https://www.tammie-fralick.com.
