Parenting is not a child’s play — consider these before planning a baby
Recently, I have paid a visit to an old friend who lives in a faraway city. It was a trip that’s been long due and I was eagerly looking forward to it. The last time we had seen each other was almost a decade ago. So, naturally, we had a lot to catch up on and that’s what we did! Spent most of the reunion drinking, bar hopping, roaming around the streets of the city, talking about what’s new, and revisiting some golden pages from our student years. And, when we came home, I was introduced to two new and important additions to my friend’s life — his Queen and his Princess! While I was having a great time, there was one subtle detail that caught my attention, which I found difficult to come to terms with. That was my friend constantly reminding his 3-year-old that Daddy has to work his ass off to afford the iPad she’s playing with or the “premium” kindergarten she goes to. I’m sure my friend and his wife are great parents and they try and do their best to provide the attention and care their daughter deserves, despite being busy slaves to the “nine to forever” work schedule like myself. But, constantly reminding the kids of the pains and expenses their parents have to bear to raise them, is something I totally can’t approve of! The logic is simple — the parents decided to bring the child to life; now it’s their duty to raise her/him in the best possible way. The child doesn’t owe sh*t!
The parent-child relationship is one of the most non-consensual relationships in the world. You don’t get to ask your child for his/her consent before bringing him/her into this world. Therefore, you also don’t get to tell them how tough it is to raise them. And, if you’re spending two thousand pounds per month on your child’s posh kindergarten, it’s your choice! She didn’t ask for it, just like her very birth.
The parent-child relationship is one of the most non-consensual relationships in the world. — some wise guy on the internet.
People have many reasons to have babies — some make sense to me and some don’t. I mean I can understand if it’s the natural urge to procreate combined with genuine love for children, but if it’s peer pressure, parental pressure, or just “OMG, I find them so cute, I want one too!”, then I definitely see the need for some rethinking. In my opinion, in today’s age, it’s more important to untick all the reasons for not having a baby, before ticking the boxes on why one should have one. Before we jump to the 5 boxes to uncheck before planning to procreate, I would like to share (link below) another story I wrote on the same topic. If you’re someone who doesn’t mind a long read, then do check that out! :)
When we think of reasons for going child-free or delaying the plan to have kids, we often think of career, financial issues, health conditions (mental or physical), etc. These are valid and known reasons and I won’t repeat them here. However, the following points are of equal importance and should be considered before deciding to contribute to the planet’s population. If just one of the following boxes remains checked, it’s probably not a good idea to become a parent (yet).
☑️ You don’t feel ready yet: Despite having the health, wealth, and the means to become a parent, if you just don’t feel ready, then you are not ready! I mean, I feel like a 25-year-old at the age of 35 and there’s no way I can imagine becoming a Dad anytime soon. And I think that’s OK! What’s not okay is doing things halfheartedly, especially something as serious as parenting. And please don’t buy into that BS some people of our parent’s generation want to propagate: “Once you have bigger responsibilities in life, you mature automatically.” I mean, it might work, but imagine telling your child one day that you were unsure but you took the gamble anyway!
☑ ️You have an unfavorable lifestyle: Whether your job requires frequent movements and transfers or you just prefer a nomadic way of life, your children would grow up with no long-lasting childhood friends, interrupted education/hobbies/training, and no one place to call home. I mean, this one’s not a total deal breaker, but if you have other lifestyle issues like addiction, gambling, lack of time for attention, or a hazardous/dangerous profession, please consider going child-free, until the circumstances change.
☑️ You have a dysfunctional family: This one’s no-brainer. If you constantly fight with your partner, or your relationship is deteriorating for some reason, you wouldn’t want a child to grow up in such a household. Please don’t buy into the BS: “When little angels step into your lives, you fall in love with your partner again.” And again, it might work, but you don’t know that for sure. Kids are not gambling chips to save you a divorce!
☑️ You have unfavorable personality type/traits: I am not talking about severe mental health issues, some of which are already known to be major deal breakers for parenting. What I am talking about here are certain toxic personality traits that may not necessarily fall into a disorder or a condition that can be diagnosed, e.g. narcissistic traits without an NPD diagnosis. If you have (or your partner has) any toxic, abusive, or manipulative traits and you are aware of it, then do yourselves and more importantly the not-yet-born child a favor — go child-free. You don’t want a traumatic childhood and a scarred adulthood for your child. Also, sometimes people pass on their toxic traits to their children. Please put an end to this legacy of toxicity!
☑️ You have the wrong motivation: Wrong motivation is a big No for any project/endeavor. And when it comes to something as big of a responsibility as parenting, wrong motivations are not acceptable at all! Examples of wrong motivations in this context are, peer pressure, parental pressure, FOMO, seeing kids as an investment/insurance policy, to continue the great family lineage, “I want a human toy to play with”, “a child will fix our relationship”, and so on. I am sure you got the point!
And, if there’s a war, famine, natural calamity, pandemic/epidemic, or economic crisis ongoing, please wait until it’s over or when you know for certain that it’ll be over.
Thanks for reading!
