The Cost to Women for Nurturing and Understanding with Men
In romantic relationships, people do a lot of emotional and interpretive work. But this work can be costly.
I recently rewatched the 2006 romantic comedy “The Break-Up”. It struck me again. It’s about the emotional and interpretive work in relationships. Brooke is Jennifer Aniston’s character. She tries to explain her frustration over a simple matter of lemons. But it’s not the lemons that are the issue. It’s everything they represent. This painful scene is the emotional workload women take on. They bear it in their relationships with men. It lays the unseen part bare.
Hmm… Why this imbalance exists?
Sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild first defined emotional labor in her 1983 book. The title of the book is, “The Managed Heart.” Hochschild’s work focused on jobs. It has since broadened to include personal life. Emotional labor consists of managing emotions to support relational and family harmony.
Women in romantic relationships do emotional labor. They also do what philosopher Ellie Anderson calls “hermeneutic labor.” This term describes mental work. It’s about interpreting and responding to a partner’s needs and communications. When the partner does not communicate, this work is necessary. This work is hard. It needs constant vigilance, intuition, and effort. But society expects women to do more of it.
From a young age, the media teaches women to manage their own and others’ emotions. It teaches them that men have less ability to express or talk about feelings. This culture burdens women with managing emotions in relationships. It excuses men from learning these skills.
Studies, such as those by scholar Tamara Afifi. et al., show that women do not expect more emotional intimacy in relationships, but they find their male partners do not meet their expectations. This gap is not due to inborn differences. This is due to the extra duties that fall on women.
Women who perform this labor face a multifaceted toll. Watching over another’s feelings can be tiring. It can lead to burnout and distress. It can take time and energy. You might otherwise spend these on personal growth, career, or leisure.
Also, the ongoing emotional and interpretive labor pays little. It can lead to reduced relationship satisfaction. Women do much of the work to sustain the relationship. But they get fewer rewards. They have lower satisfaction and higher frustration.
Culture needs to be faster to recognize these dynamics, but we still have a lot of work to do. Movements advocating for the recognition and redistribution of emotional labor are growing. These movements challenge old gender roles, promote a balanced emotional and cognitive work sharing, and suggest that men do more of this labor.
Emotional equity requires more than seeing the disparities. In the past, gender roles said women handled the heavy lifting of emotions. But as we evolve, we should reexamine and change these roles. Both partners in a relationship see emotional and interpretive work as shared. They do not see it as a duty for only females.
One promising avenue for change lies in education.
We can add relationship education to school curricula from a young age. This will give future generations the tools for empathy and respect in relationships. Such programs should teach skills like communication, empathy, and emotional regulation. They should tell that these skills are not for one gender but for all people.
Couples therapy and individual counseling can also provide support. Therapists can help people see the patterns of emotional labor in their relationships and find more balanced ways of engaging. For many couples, this may mean relearning to communicate and support each other. They must ensure both partners feel heard and valued. Another powerful tool is changing the way the media depicts relationships. The media can set new norms and expectations by showing relationships. They should show ones where men do emotional and interpretive labor. They can inspire real-world change. They are films, TV shows, and books with men as emotional and engaged.
Women do bear the brunt of emotional labor. A fairer split will lead to better relationships for all.
But, oh! This is not a fight for women. Fight your relationship with your man, girl.
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