The Vinegar Exorcism
I don’t believe in magic. I don’t believe in tarot or anything like that. However, I do believe in vinegar, it is cultural. At critical points in my life, when I want to leave something behind, I perform what can only be described as a low-budget exorcism. This involves me, a mop, vinegar and the promise of a fresh start. I scrub the corners as if trying to erase my wrong decisions.
I pour vinegar into a bucket and imagine my grandmother watching from beyond the grave, nodding and saying, ‘Yes, scrub his presence off the floor.’
There’s something prehistoric about it, like I’m in a cave. But when I open the windows, I say “Ah, fresh air.”
White vinegar, specifically, is my sacrament. It’s sold as a household product. Still, there’s comfort in its sting — the same comfort I imagine medieval monks felt while flagellating themselves for thinking impure thoughts about soup.
I’m not saying it works. I’m just saying that after three hours, my flat is clean, my guilt has less surface area to cling to.
It is also safe: the last time the toilet needed help, I ordered a ‘solution’ and a guy sent me two boxes of sulphuric acid by cargo, like slippers. I had a really hard time to get rid of sulphuric acid because I don’t know what to do with it. But possibly it was first day of his work or his humour style is a bit different than me.
So… vinegar is easier. And it breaks hearts.
A Real-Life Case
One time, I was cleaning the house with vinegar when one of my exes appeared in the doorway, looking horrified.
I said, ‘Why are you looking at me? I’m cleaning the house.’
‘I know when you clean the house with vinegar! I know you did this after the guy before me. Oh God… Is this my last day here?’
I replied, ‘Leave, demon. Take the shame with you.”
A Little Vinegar Anthropology
People think vinegar is for salads, but no — in many cultures, it’s basically holy water with attitude.
- Turkey & the Balkans: Vinegar is used to “break the evil eye” or sweep out bad energy.
- Italy & Greece: They mix vinegar and salt to cleanse the home. Apparently, nothing says “move on” like being sprayed with a Greek salad.
- Mexico: Vinegar appears in limpias (spiritual cleansings) along with herbs, eggs, and someone blowing smoke into your armpits.
- Southern U.S.: Used in “uncrossing” spells — which is just a charming way to say “Get your bad vibes off my porch, Darla.”
- East Asia: Vinegar is believed to cut through stagnant qi. Or maybe your sinuses. Either way, something leaves the room.
No matter where you go, vinegar has one message:
“You’ve been cursed. But don’t worry — I brought snacks and cleaning supplies.”
