3 Important Lessons I Have Learned From Being Single For Over 3 Years
Being single does not mean a life of loneliness — it can be one of the most formative chapters of your life
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For anyone that has gone through it or is going through it, your 20s are a confusing period of your life.
Either your friends and the people you went to school with are settling down, getting married, purchasing their first home, and having children or globetrotting across the world, living their best single life.
Of course, there is everyone in between who is just plain confused about their future. This is the category I fall under.
Everyone’s life paths are starting to become a bit more defined, and I don’t know about you, but the thought of that is terrifying.
As a young, approaching mid-20s cis Asian woman, I often think about what my future may look like, down to where I am going to live, what I am going to do for the rest of my life, and even what my relationships will look like.
And then it sometimes dawns on me that I’ve been single for a long time. That the last time I was actually in a committed relationship was when I was 20 years old, turning 21.
This is not to say that I haven’t dated or gone on dates with people, but I’ve definitely been single longer than I’ve dated someone.
Although I used to be a bit insecure about the fact that I’ve been single for so long, when I reflect on it, I also recognize and appreciate all the valuable lessons I learned along the way.
I Learned to Love Myself
This is so cliché, and I feel super basic for even writing this down, but I truly believe this. I’m an extremely confident person generally (I have my moments, though) and a lot of that I attribute to the fact that I’ve been single for so long.
When I was in a relationship, I had low self-esteem, thought my partner was too good for me, was insecure, and had multiple pressing mental health issues that required my attention 24/7.
I basically thought I sucked.
It wasn’t until I left that relationship when I started realizing that I in fact did not suck.
I just hadn’t invested enough time into myself and my needs to gain the confidence I was sorely lacking.
So I focused a lot of my time on improving my mental health, investing into my future by taking on different work experiences, and re-focused my attention on my goals and other relationships in my life. And slowly and surely enough, I began to realize that I have a lot of value as a person and it would be a shame not to recognize or appreciate that.
I Truly Understood What it Meant to be Independent
When I was in a relationship, I thought I was already pretty independent. I mean, I was doing long-distance, so I was sort of forced to be but after not being in relationships for so long, I realized the exact opposite was true.
Sure, I was living on my own, started making my own money, and wasn’t dependent on my parents anymore, but I sorely lacked the independence I so desperately needed. Emotional independence.
When we think about what it means to be independent, we think about it in physical terms. We have moved out of our parents’ home, have a job that pays for rent and bills, and can financially sustain ourselves without external help.
And don’t get me wrong, this is all important.
But emotional independence is something that I realized I didn’t have at all.
Emotional independence can be defined as:
A type of inner resilience that lets you know you can meet, solve, and be with any circumstance you face. It means building your sense of self on your own, without depending on others to make you happy or tell you who you should be.
I found myself having the physical aspect of independence but emotional independence was something I didn’t know how to navigate because I put so much of my self-worth into other people, didn’t want to disappoint people, or depended on others (such as my partner) for my happiness and confidence.
Being single allowed me to build that independence again. Much like physical independence which takes time to acquire, I needed to allow myself the time and space to develop my emotional independence — without the distraction of a relationship.
I Learned How to Prioritize my Mental Health
One of the most important lessons I learned while being single for so long was how to put my mental health first.
While I was in a relationship, I was juggling a lot of mental health issues that stemmed from intrinsic issues I had with myself.
And at no fault of my partner(s), I subconsciously chose to focus on my relationships rather than confronting the issue at hand; which was the fact that I didn’t know how to navigate my anxiety, depressive episodes, and stress.
Once I took time to myself, I started to invest in my mental health by going to therapy, taking care of my physical health, and learning how to manage my time better so that I could reduce my stress.
It’s unfortunate that the ending of a relationship was the catalyst for all of this, but it really motivated me to learn how to manage my mental health, which has contributed to increasing my overall happiness and confidence at the end of the day.
It’s taken a lot of time and effort to come to the above realizations.
At times, I found it difficult to be comfortable with being single because I watched friends and acquaintances develop strong, long-term relationships in front of me, and I used to think “is there something wrong with me?”
Once I learned to accept myself for who I am and be comfortable with the fact that I don’t need anybody to make me happy, I now very gleefully third, fourth, or even fifth-wheel friends without feeling that existential dread of “I’m going to be alone… FOREVER!”
Being single isn’t a bad thing and I’ve learned that I don’t need to be miserable, lonely, or settle when I am. I’ve learned to embrace this significant and important chapter of my life.
We all have a choice on how we choose to be single.
And I choose to be happy, live life to the fullest, and keep improving upon myself.
