Dealing With The Fact That Sometimes People Are Not That Into You
It leaves me in a place wondering what I am.
I think everyone, at some level, has a fear of rejection. We all want to be accepted, loved, and desired. And our twisted minds sometimes we go too far and base all of our self-worth on one person’s opinion of us.
There are approximately 7 billion people on this planet, but it’s the end of the world if a single one doesn’t want us back — and sometimes this feeling of desperation happens even if we don’t like that person back.
Lately, I’ve faced the not-so-good position of wanting someone more than they want me. And, for me, this is growing because most of the time the other person doesn’t even like me back. Now, I actually know they want me, the thing is, it’s not that much — and by the signals, they send, I sometimes think it’s none at all. I’m still debating which is worse: the fact that you don’t have a future at all or the fact that you maybe have a future. As I grow older, I think the former is better.
My love life is always a mess because I think sometimes I grew up the wrong way. And I’m not saying there’s a right way, but everyone is always so sure of themselves and always so confident in their convictions that it always makes me wonder if I’m from the same place as theirs. I think a lot of people feel this way, and with time, they overcome whatever difficulties they went through — I am still looking forward to this phase.
But my love life is a chaotic mess. And the latest mess is the fact that out of nowhere I was involved with this person and in such a short time I became so infatuated with them that it was hard for the memory of them to leave my mind. But even with the confirmation, very clear, by the way, that they wanted me back, our thing didn’t progress much.
Life happens, and sometimes things just don’t work out. It’s a bummer, but I can work with that. Wrong time, right people. Or whatever. But it is so hard for me to accept the fact that people sometimes will not put the same energy you put into relationships, even if they want the same thing as you.
For me, it is so simple, when I really want something, I will try and do the impossible to make things work. Sometimes it all goes to waste, but I know I did everything that I could. But when people want something and they don’t even try? It’s ridiculous.
This feeling of rejection — a different one, but still rejection at the end of the day — is so bittersweet. Because it’s an ‘almost’, and all ‘almost’ hurts more than all the ‘never’. You know it can become real, but it just won’t. It leaves me in a place wondering what I am. I’m enough, but even this is not enough? I’m nice, but not nice enough for this to work out? A lot of questions that, at the end of the day, don’t make me feel good, and make me mourn something that died before it was born.
So, if you ask me, I prefer all the no’s and never’s because they are concrete and don’t leave room for hope. And hope is a dangerous thing because it is the foundation where expectations grow. And for me, it’s not wrong to have expectations, but the feeling of destruction they leave when reality doesn’t meet them is so much for me to take.
I still don’t know how to deal with this. “I like this person and they’re into me but not as much as I am”, I’ve been on both sides, and I guess it just hurts in one of them. But as with all things involving heart issues, this hurts. No matter how much energy I put into building something, this something will never grow and have a name if the other person doesn’t collaborate. Which for me is hard because I would move mountains and heavens for someone if I’m into them, and it’s soul-crushing realizing that even this will not make them like you as people should.
And that’s it for the questions of love, things seem to just happen in the right way when they are meant to be. I hate this whole narrative of meant to be, but this is the only explanation that seems to make sense. Life is random, and sometimes all your work won’t matter, and you have to accept that.
