I Never Meant to Be a ‘Homewrecker’
I was manipulated into an affair with a married man by the complexities of mental health.
(Disclaimer: for the privacy of the parties involved I refer to the “perpetrator” as Ben)
Before I was even legal to drink alcohol, I found myself the “other woman” in a married couple’s relationship.
Before you grab your pitchforks and fire sticks, I have to tell you that it wasn’t as scandalous as it sounds. I didn’t play the monstrous role you would naturally think of when picturing “other woman.”
Honestly, I wound up being just as surprised as his wife was.
As you can expect, there were several different things that the experience taught me about not only myself and the ways in which people perceive me but about mental health and the role that it plays in relationships. While the hurt, embarrassment, and sadness felt by his wife were — and still are — immensely valid, the complexities of mental health are things that should be acknowledged and considered.
A snapshot of the affair
I met Ben when I was 20 years old. We both attended the University of Wisconsin. We were Journalism students. That particular university is quite small, and the journalism department is even smaller. Ben and I had every single class together.
Initially, he was just another student. I didn’t pay him any more attention than I did anyone else.
Our “relationship” started when we were put into the same group for our Reporting class’s midterm project. It was the two of us and one other student. The three of us exchanged numbers, and although completely normal, it wound up being one of the biggest mistakes I had made in my young life.
It didn’t take long for Ben to start texting me about things that weren’t related to journalism.
I knew that Ben was married from an ice-breaker activity we had played earlier in the semester, so I always tried to either divert the conversation or subtly bring up his wife when he would want to talk about “us.” Things changed, however, when he conjured up the lie of the century:
He and his wife were in an open relationship. He even brought it a step further by telling me that she was bi-sexual and had found her “lover” leaving Ben to find his — me.
The culmination of abuse, manipulation, and lies
The situation that Ben has roped me into lasted about 6 months before I started piecing things together and realizing that something wasn’t right about the situation.
I ended up cutting off all communication with him.
I remember the day that his wife, potentially ex-wife now, came forward and contacted me via Instagram. It was a Wednesday evening and my current partner and I were sitting on the couch watching movies.
Honestly, when my phone buzzed, she was the last person I would’ve guessed in a million years that would be texting me. She was supposed to be in full support of the “relationship” that Ben and I had.
After realizing that wasn’t the case, I fully expected her to bite my head off, block my number, and leave me with the guilt of my own poor decision. But, she didn’t. Her words were more than just anger and sadness. She took the time to divulge details about Ben that reinforce the detrimental effects that unattended mental illnesses can have on a relationship.
The realities of wavering mental health
The implications of mental health can affect individuals in a variety of different ways. After months of talking with Ben, it became very evident to me that he had his own personal demons he was battling.
He spoke often and openly about having depression.
Recent studies have shown that some individuals who experience depression often try to remedy their symptoms by engaging in increased levels of sexual relations — even if that means cheating on their partner(s). Seeking affection through intimacy is a way for them to feel loved and validated, while also distracting them from their everyday thoughts.
I can’t speak definitely about the relationship that he had with his wife, but based on the stories that he would tell me, it was missing something.
His emotional and physical needs weren’t getting met, which were most likely fueling the depression that he talked so often about. It’s almost sad to think about the extent to which he went to paint his wife in a certain unfavorable light just to get attention from other women.
He would talk about the amount of time his wife would spend with her girlfriend which would leave him feeling alone and sad. Other times, he would go as far as talking about her menstruation cycle and how her rejection would make him feel as a husband.
Things ended up getting pretty weird.
The domino effect
The night I spoke to Ben’s wife after the fact, I was surprised to hear that I was not the only one who had fallen into his trap. In fact, there were multiple women that he targeted.
This is a great example of the Domino Effect which can happen when a mental health issue is left untreated. The problems that result from neglected symptoms don’t only increase in severity but they multiple and manifest themselves in a variety of different ways.
Vickie Mays, a Professor at UCLA Fielding School of Public Health, believes that mental health extends beyond the individual who experiences it. She states, “We know when people have a psychiatric disorder, it’s not good for any of us.”
Unfortunately, Ben not only ended up damaging his own life but he also wound up having grave negative effects on both his wife and me.
Helpful tips for navigating mental illnesses in your own relationship(s)
For the partner who is experiencing poor mental health:
- Seek out treatment options that align with you and your situation.
- Separate fact from fiction.
- Find things that you enjoy doing alone or with your partner and focus your energy on doing them.
For the supporting partner:
- Create a safe space for your partner to confide in you, and to speak openly and honestly.
- Encourage your partner to get treatment.
- Ask how you can help.
Final thoughts
In no way shape or form am I trying to excuse the poor decisions that I made getting involved with Ben. However, I think instead of always pointing the blame finger at the “other woman” we need to start taking a closer look at the deep-seeded issues that influenced the situation.
For Ben, his infidelity was a direct reflection of what can happen when one doesn’t take care of both their mind and heart the way that they need to.
Mental health problems are very real for a lot of people and they can produce a variety of different symptoms.
As individuals, we need to take care of ourselves for not only our own sake but for the people around us. When it comes to the people that we have close relationships with, they can suffer just as much by us neglecting ourselves. Mental health is one of the top contenders for a healthy relationship.
When all is said and done, yes, I was the “other woman.” But, the lessons that I learned from that experience almost make the turmoil worth it.
