Stop Glorifying Traditions That Treat Women Like Property
Patriarchy-backed misogyny isn’t always in the form of explicit violence.
There’s something about ‘traditions’ that have been quoted quite often in favour to maintain the status quo, and there’s something very sticky about them.
We perceive traditions as forces that have created us, something we have minimal control on, when the truth is this — we create traditions and not vice-a-versa.
Culture is a representation of the values held by people living in a society, and communities are made of people who are both good and bad. When persons in leadership want to maintain an oppressive hierarchy, a culture built on outdated and harmful principles will be used to sustain the imbalance. Hadassah Louis
In Indian Hindus, there’s a tradition of “kanyadaan,” where a bride’s father gives away his daughter as a ‘daan,’ which means charity, to the groom. There are traditions similar to kanyadaan in other cultures, all of which reinforce the centuries-old typo (or myth) of one gender being superior to the other — one being a subject and another the object.
Such seemingly harmless gestures or traditions deepen the gulf of inequality between genders.
There are many such vices we will find across the globe (in East and the West alike) in the name of rituals, traditions, or culture, under the guise of something that looks “cute” and “natural” or “normal.”
The bride then leaves her parents’ home and becomes a part of the husband’s family.
She’s supposed to be docile, homely and obedient. She’s meant to dedicate her life to her husband and his interests. She’s expected to attend to her husband, as well as her in-laws, diligently, and smile almost constantly to make them feel comfortable — or else be judged.
They can feel insulted if she does not touch their feet or greet them every day. They will unapologetically infringe upon her space as they don’t feel she has or deserves one.
She is supposed to have left her family and seemingly embrace a new one, but does the reverse really happen?
Is she made to feel she belongs or is belonged?
All of us deserve to be respected, have our space, and continue to belong to our family — and an extended one as we expand our own post-wedding, just as men have had the privilege. These traditions glorify this bias and discrimination at the expense of one partner in the marriage of two equals.
Why the facade of jazzy traditions to cover up the way one is more privileged than the other? This privilege — under the guise of love, traditions, faith, culture — is the byproduct of a systemic patriarchal mesh (or mess) and biases.
This privilege is the aftermath of conscious choices made long ago and choices still being made today by men and women alike.
Privilege feeds more privilege, and the cycle continues.
In some homes, women themselves perceive a male entering the kitchen as a big failure on their part; they think they must serve and pick up their used utensils from the dining table after each meal as a wife or a woman irrespective of anything. They must cook, and the men should never be exposed to such trivial chores. They promote and glorify such behaviour and expect the same from their daughters-in-law — and so it continues as a part of the culture or traditions.
At a social gathering, one of my friend’s mother-in-law took pride in saying how, in her home, men do not even enter in the kitchen, as that is not their place.
Then, there’s another ritual among many cultures where a woman keeps day long fasts and prays for the long life of her husband. One such tradition is named as Karvachauth. This is a tradition where a mother-in-law prepares and gives the knowledge transfer to her daughter-in-law on how to keep the day-long fast and perform the rituals for her son’s health and long life just like she has been doing for her husband throughout. Basically, the mother passes the baton of subservience in the spirit of keeping the tradition of patriarchy alive. The husband has nothing to do with the wife’s long life, of course.
An excerpt from an interesting article I completely resonated with: Patriarchy-backed misogyny is not always explicit violence — sometimes, it can look like a family celebration. Puja Bhakoo
A wife is supposed to put her husband first — but she’s fine if the husband doesn’t put her first.
And this is what women have lived with for generations. Do women have a family that readily accepts them or families merely created by them that they don’t necessarily belong to? At least, not until they reach an age of 60 years or so when it is finally considered okay (perhaps) for them to have a voice and define their boundaries to propagate the status-quo.
But why are they reluctant to change the narrative now, for their daughters or daughters-in-law, for their grandchildren, and even themselves? Is facing the reality behind these rituals/traditions/culture/stereotypes so hard and exhausting?
Is it the comfort zone of the cage these traditions bind us all to which makes us myopic?
Women forget that if they empower their daughters/daughters-in-law and treat them at power with their sons/sons-in-law respectively, they are empowering themselves too along with their societies (even men).
As Hadassah Louis says in one of her articles, “Getting rid of a repressive aspect of culture should not be a threat to tradition and customs. Culture, just like people, should be progressive and respond to the needs of the generation performing the norms. This is especially true if we are to achieve gender equality and equity in our context, without facing discrimination or being ostracised for demanding our inalienable human rights and human dignity.”
In short, label anything as tradition and culture and somehow it’s questionable to question it or rewire it. While the above examples manifest globally in both developed and developing nations in various forms under the stamp of unique rituals or traditions, the common issue converges to one — the mindset of one being superior to another by default.
It is high time we look at the root cause, shun the stereotypes and traditions that drag us down and make efforts to change our beliefs for the progress of a better tomorrow.
Let us not just address it like we address the fever (symptom) with paracetamol (I call it the paracetamol method), but rather get rid of the very germ (root cause) that is causing illness to manifest in various ways and degrees.
Don’t forget that it’s the mindset that needs to change, as the same leads to minor gender biases, harmless/trivial and unfair remarks, and major heinous crimes in the society, as well — the same mindset that calls for radical reform, the same germ that must be recognized and obliterated.
The paracetamol method (a term I just coined), of only treating the symptom from time to time doesn’t suffice in this particular century-old global illness which we all are subjected to in more ways than one. We will have to think and think deeply.
We all are placed somewhere in between the space which a shackle consumes!
Then we boast of having become free!
We need to contribute our bit daily by realising the side effects of the invisible yet gigantic messaging behind these traditions, which some want to have continued forever. We must respond now and work towards making the world a better and a peaceful place.
Every little progressive change counts towards making our cultures imbibe the spirit of equalism and hence the truth. Yes, it does!
