The Realities of Interracial Dating From a Southeast Asian Woman
It’s not attractive to be with someone because of some fantasy they want to fulfill based on preconceived assumptions of Asian women.
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I grew up in a small suburban town outside of a “big” city, where, for a very long time, I wasn’t aware of how my race and ethnic background would impact my future romantic relationships.
The first time I really started becoming aware of my race and ethnicity in relation to dating was when I was sixteen, in a conversation with a peer. I don’t know exactly what the topic of the conversation was, but I do remember one remark quite clearly.
I would never date someone who looks like you.
At the time, I was confused and asked, “what do you mean?” This individual proceeded to tell me how they didn’t believe in dating outside of their race (white) and believed that the human race would benefit from staying within the same “colours.”
I remember being quite shocked and uncomfortable, but I didn’t know how to articulate exactly why. I made excuses to myself that everyone had a preference and that it was okay. Now, though, I know better.
As a first-generation Southeast Asian woman, I do sometimes worry about the future of my romantic relationships because of my race and ethnicity. This worry is based on past conversations, such as the one outlined above, but also the experiences of my female friends who have gone through similar scenarios I have.
For full disclosure, I’ve only been in interracial relationships with Caucasian men; therefore, my opinions and observations are only informed by that specific perspective, and I don’t pretend that this will be everyone’s viewpoint.
However, here are some things that I’ve learned and experienced when dating outside of my race and ethnicity.
Race and Ethnicity Needs to Be Talked About
In the past, I’ve had partners tell me that we’re just two people and that race doesn’t matter as long as we loved each other. At the time, I wanted to believe them, but I’ve now realized that race and ethnicity are necessary topics to talk about in interracial relationships.
For a long time, I wasn’t comfortable talking about race and ethnicity with my previous partners because I didn’t want to admit that it had to be something to discuss. The reality is, it always has to be part of the conversation.
Race and ethnicity are some of the most important conversations to have with a partner. Both race and ethnicity are social constructs but it’s important to recognize that they influence real-life experiences.
Every single person experiences their race and ethnicity differently when connected to other factors such as:
- Nationality
- Class
- Politics
- Location
As much as we would like to think that race and ethnicity shouldn’t matter in relationships, we can’t escape it. It’s part of us as individuals and it’s part of our relationships.
Discussing Different Values-Based Expectations
Our morals and values are informed by many factors — the ones mentioned before are a good example — and I’ve often have had difficult conversations on values in my relationships.
For example, I was seeing someone who couldn’t understand why my previous partner brought a gift to meet my parents for the first time. It was an interesting conversation to me because I was raised that you should always bring a gift to the host/hostess, especially when they’re welcoming you into their home. This is common among Vietnamese families and friends — you don’t want to be the one coming by empty-handed.
It was a healthy conversation, albeit one that did make me slightly uncomfortable, but I did realize that we had very different ideas of some values-based practices. It was clear to me that he was raised in a home that was very much individualistic, while I was raised in one that was more collectivist.
He proceeded to tell me that he would never put that expectation on anyone he dated and wouldn’t want that expectation put on him either. Therefore, he would have a difficult time dating someone who, as he called it at the time, had “cultural baggage.” I didn’t date him for long after that comment, amongst other reasons of course.
I do think that it is essential to talk about these different value-based expectations because, most of the time, partners are raised with varying values of practices. And that’s okay — it just takes some more communication and understanding.
I Thought My Partners Were the More Attractive Person in the Relationship — Because They Were White
I was very insecure in my relationships with men. There’s one particular relationship where I gained a fleeting sense of confidence because, when I was out with them, we would occasionally get comments about how “attractive we are” or we were the “best looking couple.”
In those moments, I felt beautiful — but in the worst possible way. I was beautiful because I was being tokenized for being with a white man.
For a long time, I had connected my attractiveness to that of my partner’s, but instead of recognizing my own beauty, I only felt beautiful because a white man found me beautiful and other people could see that. This compounded with my own insecurities regarding my race and ethnicity made me very self-conscious in my previous relationships.
After the ending of this relationship, it made me really question my own internalized beauty standards and how white supremacy is so closely interlinked to that. I was unknowingly hurting myself when I found these remarks and comments to be “compliments.”
I have now moved past this line of thinking — thank goodness — but I can imagine how other racialized women may feel in a similar situation. And to them, I would say, “you are beautiful no matter who you are with.”
Fear of Attracting Men Who Have “Yellow Fever”
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become better at recognizing how a man’s preference for Asian women is not a compliment.
For years, I’ve gotten countless advances towards me that are racially-charged. Some were as “innocent” as “I’m attracted to Asian woman like you,” and others were being yelled at in public by men screaming “give me a happy ending.” Both have personally happened to me.
I think there are a lot of misconceptions about understanding the difference between having a type and having “yellow fever.” Yellow fever is uncomfortable and its foundations are riddled with harmful stereotypes of Asian women.
Quiet, exotic, submissive, passive, docile, are just some of the adjectives that come to mind.
Individuals with “yellow fever” fail to see Asian women as complex human beings with different lived experiences and personalities. It’s not attractive to be with someone because of some fantasy they want to fulfill based on preconceived assumptions of Asian women.
My race and ethnicity will always be a factor in my future romantic relationships.
In the past, admitting this would have frightened me, but I’ve now come to appreciate the hard lessons and obstacles I have faced in regard to romance, race, and ethnicity — because, without them, I wouldn't have become the person I am today.
Now, more than ever, race and ethnicity have to be discussed and taken into account in all of our conversations and especially in our romantic relationships. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in my experiences dating interracially, it’s that support and advocacy for my lived experiences are critical and the same needs to be extended to my next partner.
