This is What My Eating Disorder Looked Like

I binged probably once a week for most of my late-twenties.

In 2009, I created a personal food blog/podcast called “The Actor’s Diet.” Whenever I told people, they’d automatically snicker. “So what exactly is the actor’s diet — cigarettes and coffee?”

And then I would tell them about my history with eating disorders. And then they would quickly change the subject.

Because eating disorders are uncomfortable to talk about, even though they’re so common. Growing up, I just figured my binge eating disorder was an everyday part of life. I grew up in a family of overeaters and started using anorexia to balance my weight out as an adult, when I became an actress and fans/managers/family started making comments about my size and the softness of my appearance.

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it was that caused this behavior — I spent years in therapy trying to figure it out, actually. Was it merely the pressure of being on camera? Trying to fit into the stereotype of being a skinny Asian woman who could eat whatever she wanted without gaining weight? I’m not sure. Growing up, the images I saw of other Asians in the media were of ass-kicking martial arts experts, or malnourished peasants. Or competitive eaters who weighed 1/3 of their opponents. I was none of…