Call for Submissions
All You Have to Do Is Be Nice
And other bullshit
This idea began long ago with a qualitative research project into Transgenerational Dysfunction, Narcissistic Abuse, and Sexual Trauma, the topic of much of my writing.
Alongside the book I was developing, I designed questionnaires with 10 questions to find out how similar the different types of abuses affect people, families, and relationships throughout our lives.
If you like to participate, visit Red Flags or Flowers here.
The idea for the No project came after a recent situation where my No was not respected. Not by the person I was saying No to, nor by the people around us.
I was told the worst thing anyone can say to someone being harassed or bullied — ‘That’s just how he is,’ and to not let it bother me.
The problem is that it did bother me. Every time I said no to this person’s invasion of my personal space and his inability to just keep his &*!* hands off of me, it got worse. He got worse, and the way he treated me got worse.
It came to a point where I did not feel safe. I had to change my plans and leave.
This upset my hosts and I was told the reason I would tell others why I left earlier than planned was due to my desire to be somewhere else, not my need to leave where I was. When I said I would not offer ‘alternative facts’ about what I had experienced, I was quickly booted out and cut off (no more Facebook friends!).
When I wrote about this in a blog post a friend’s comment included a quote from the book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Beck.
“When a man says no, it’s the end of a conversation. When a woman says no, it’s the beginning of a negotiation.”
I can think of many times when this has been my life. And, I can tell you one of the reasons why this happens.
Because boys are taught that what they do is okay. That Boys Will Be Boys. Even when they’re grown men doing creepy and criminal things, it’s still okay. And girls are taught that they are inherently bad and must strive to be good. To be quiet. To be agreeable. To be pleasant. To tolerate the boys and don’t let it bother them. To be Nice.
How many times have you been told things like, “If you were nicer about it,” or “If you smiled more” “Watch your tone” “Don’t be so loud” or “That’s just how he is. Don’t let it bother you.” ???
All you have to do is be nice translates to Just take my shit and pretend it doesn’t bother you.
I am done pretending.
How about you?
When we tell our stories we set the truth free. And we change the world, and even if it is just a few words at a time, a little change is better than no change at all.
All the words matter.
If you have a story to tell, I’d like to hear it. And, I’d like the rest of the world to hear it too.
Read the Call for Submissions here.
🌹
