Bloody Breakup
I learned a lot from ending a friendship
I turned 42 a month ago, and for the first time in my adult life, I experienced a very messy, very violent friendship breakup. It came as a big surprise because there were no clues to indicate that they were so upset and angry. And there was no chance to talk things through. The relationship just ended with what I can only compare with a guillotine that cut our ties for good and splattered a little hurt around us all. I am not interested in placing blame on any side. When a relationship ends, there’s always a shared responsibility, deliberate or by omission.
Up to this point, many friends had vanished from my life for many different reasons. Some relationships just faded without physical presence as we lived far away from each other. Other friendships ended because our political views and values made us part ways. There was no drama. No (metaphorical) blood spilled. If I saw any of these people on the street, I would say hi. I would ask about their lives and their family’s. Hey, I would even have a drink with them, knowing that neither of us would be trying to rekindle our relationship. I’ve never been a fan of confrontation, and for a very long time, this worked for me.
But in this particular case, things got so out of control that I know I don’t want to see them, or hear from them, ever again. And, regardless of the events that put us there, I understood that this was not the first time I felt this way. I’ve experienced this same raw and strong emotion many times before. I’ve just never given myself time to explore it or permission to really feel it. It’s one of those emotions that I relate to confrontation and choose to let go. But not this time. This time I decided to follow through and learn something from it. Of course, if you are at least a tiny bit emotionally mature (which I’m not, but I’m trying to achieve), you already know that the emotion I’m talking about is anger. I hate being angry.
A Good Side Of Anger
This time, anger helped me let go. It helped me cut ties that were not healthy anymore. And it helped me take back a power that, for many reasons, I had relinquished a long time ago. Standing my ground felt good, even if it also came with mourning a relationship that I had nurtured for a long time. That feeling of power made me reassess many other relationships. Why was I always ready to be there for other people who wouldn’t return the same thing? Why was I so willing to let others off the hook when I didn’t allow it for myself? While we all need to feel loved and appreciated, does it really count when it comes from being a pushover?
Learning To Set Boundaries
I’ve always been terrible at boundaries, even with my children. I always fear that firm boundaries will scare people away. But the truth is, it’s exactly the other way around. Healthy boundaries allow for healthy relationships, in which both parties feel seen and appreciated. When you are always giving (and conscious about it), sooner or later you’ll feel resentful.
Relationships Take Work, From Both Sides
Relationships are never a perfect equilibrium. Sometimes you need more than you can give, and sometimes it’s the other way around. If you think of them as a seesaw, it’s tiring to be on one end all the time. While the balance is never perfect, it's necessary. After everything that happened, I realized that, by allowing myself to be on the supporting side of the seesaw for most of the time, I was cheating. They had a friend, but I didn’t. While assuming that part was painful, it was also liberating.
Goodbye Is Not A Bad Word
Friendships end when you have nothing to give to each other anymore. Regardless of the reasons why, sometimes allowing yourself to cut ties that are no longer helping you grow, is the only way to move forward.
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